What a set of weeks! I’m looking at “being drained” on a new level. All I can draw hope from is that TS Eliot and CS Lewis, according to their published personal letters, also spent their lives exhausted and doing too much, and look where they ended up, world renown ;-)
Quick sum up on where things are at: The PASS-IT-ON Books, 83 out and making their way around the world. 17 left to make. I’m no longer tracking where they are going as it isn’t possible to know.
My Photographs did not sell at the Home Industry Store. It is heartbreaking to see my work sitting there and not being attractive to anyone. Still, it was 2 weeks ago that I checked on them, maybe they did sell, but I don’t really have the heart to go and see them still sitting there. On the flip side, I left them there after 2 weeks of non-movement because they just looked so beautiful. Sunrises sitting there in this store full of bric-a-brac and cakes. It’s like they’re this light of hope and joy in a consumerist haven. Food and trinkets next to God’s Glorious Sunrises. No comparison really. I decided not to give up at the time I popped into the store; so two weeks ago I bought a stall space at what was sold to me as a “great opportunity”. Lies. I got a float, sorted out all the stock, even purchased packets to pass them on to buyers in, woke up early on my precious Saturday and headed to the ‘market’. What a joke. 2 food stands, two light food stands and kippy me with photos of sunrises, all sitting quite a far way away from the girls playing soccer. I was expecting so much more as it was the third year the ‘event’ had happened, silly me. I left very very angry and not a picture of a sunrise sold.
My books and plays: Eish! is sitting on the Kindle shelf gathering redundancy. “Choices” was published by “Off The Wall” Publishing last month. They turned down my play “Race on Race” though saying that although they found it very funny, international audiences would be offended by the openness of talking about racism. After Kindle being difficult on the third play, a couple of weeks later “Who I Am” was published on their site. Sales between the 3 items work out to about one a month between them all, so this has been a completely time-consuming and non-money generating activity. Good thing I LOVE writing, so I’d do it all again anyway, even if I knew sales would flop. I drew the cash I’d made from sales last month, R300, which was cool, not quite the R3000 odd I put into the exercise, but I’m getting used to monetary failure. I lost a couple of grand in creating South African badges back in 2007, and I’ve lost over a grand with the sunrise photograph story too. Weird thing is that I have given the photos out as gifts and people have put them on their desks, in their homes and on their walls… I have put two up in our ladies room at work and I’ve heard people complimenting them and loving them, yet people won’t pay for a sunrise because it’s given for free, even if they don’t wake up early enough to see it, everyday anyway. “April Fool” is sitting VERY neglected at the moment, and it’s continuously bothering me immensely, but I just can’t seem to force myself to sit and carry on typing it… :-(
Health: Chronic Fatigue has definitely lessened. YAY! Thanks Lord. I tried 3 sessions with a Body Talk Consultant and it was not a great experience. God is good and He led me there to learn things about my past that clarified a lot of things for me. Yet, as the sessions continued and the consultant showed that she was only interested in the “body talk” and not my holistic healing, I was not happy. She believes that the Self is shaped like a funnel with the Body being the most important, then the organs, then cells, then the “nothingness”. The “nothingness” being what she literally equated with the human soul! I see the Self as a pyramid, starting with the body as the base and the soul as the highest peak and most important part, the reason for existing, the goal, the top-most point a life can get to (Maslow’s Hierarchy of Needs idea). The consultant views situations as random and happening all the time to the body, so you have to “balance out” regularly to counter the random effects of the world. I believe nothing on this earth is random, that everything is planned to open opportunities to evolve the soul to a higher level, and that pandering to the whims of a body made to age and deteriorate is absurd, whereas living to enlighten and grow an eternal soul is a far more productive and joyful approach to life. Her views and beliefs clashed with mine at such a fundamental level that I had to get out of there. Still, what was interesting in my third and final session was that she told me, like a lady a year or so ago told me, that I am highly intuitive and have a genuine knowing within my being. To have this confirmed has left me in a bit of a conundrum… If I am highly intuitive and I “GET” things, then why am I at such a continuous clash with so many things so often? Why do so many people view me as the odd “anomaly”? Why does it happen that when I speak my thoughts and ideas people get so offended?
This leads to my Faith Journey: I went to another set of talks over 4 Wednesdays. The talks were entitled: The Talks Upstairs – THE TROUBLE WITH CHRISTIANITY IS… 1) It thinks it’s the only right religion 2) There’s too much suffering in the world 3) You have to believe the Bible and 4) The God who sends people to hell… Interestingly my last post on choosing my role model slotted in EXACTLY with night 1). I missed night 2) because I was with my sister and nephew in the hospital as my nephew had Swine Flu (H1N1 Virus… my Mom’s friend passed away with it a couple of weeks before, but my sister reckons my nephew got it at the Dept of Home Affairs 3 days earlier as H1N1 has 3 days incubation… Ebola is in the papers at the moment, but I’m not sure why H1N1 isn’t…?…) … Still, I ended up doing my own write up on why God ‘allows’ suffering. 3) I had issues with and 4) I had issues with… so, with being intuitive, and perpetually living in gratitude, continuously acknowledging God and living and breathing in His light, it would appear that I cannot call myself a Christian. Sigh. So once again I find myself on the outside looking in and only able to accept what my soul is YELLING at me is my truth: GOD IS ALL, GOD IS UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, GOD’S STORY DOES NOT END OR BEGIN IN ONE BOOK, GOD IS NOT AS SMALL AS HUMANS MAKE HIM OUT TO BE… That yells at me, screams at me as being my truth, a truth that does not fit into any religion. That’s why in my previous blog I noted how I chose Jesus Christ as my Role Model, the human I want to be like, the closest example we have of being like God… yet this is not being Christian… and what is the aside comment in my brain as I type that: “Jesus wasn’t a ‘Christian’ either”.
I have a friend, a devout Christian who works in a role connected to faith every day. She organised a fundraiser to raise funds for a Non-Profit-Christian organisation. She did all the ‘right’ things, dedicated herself in the preparation and the financial contribution needed to make the event happen, she even found a great big venue for free. What happened? Of the 40 people minimum she had expected and prepared for, 9 attended. She was bleak beyond belief, seeing it as a personal failure… I listened to the story. I pictured my financial layout for the photos that I believe God wanted me to pursue. The Badges. The Writing. Nothing. How do I deal with it? Simple, God called me to it for His reason, not mine. I gave it all that I could in time and money, I tried my best, it flopped. BUT, here’s the catch, it flopped in my opinion because I didn’t even recover the expenses, but I don’t believe the efforts flopped and/or failed in God’s opinion. You see 1) the photos and being at that stand, instead of showing anger, I showed appreciation to the person of different faith to me who organised the event; he has now befriended me on Facebook and is reading all my praise-passion-positivity-God-filled posts, every share I make on Facebook. 2) The badges were useless stock, so I took them overseas and gave them to outstanding learners. At a difficult all boys school where I supply taught at, the one class was so well behaved I gave each one a badge telling them it was because they were awesome. By God’s turn I ended up at that same school again at a later date and one of those same boys was in another lesson I was covering. When he saw me at the door he moved to the front of the line and said, “Miss I have something to show you.” I thought it odd, but said, “Sure.” He opened his blazer and pinned on the pocket inside was the same badge I’d given him weeks before, “Thanks Miss.” His smile was shy and his eyes were shining in appreciation, his soul had been touched. 3) At least 2 people have messaged me to tell me that my publishing Eish! has inspired them to get on with achieving their dreams… So do I feel like my efforts have flopped? Yes, because my view is limited and selfish. Does God think it was a flop? Probably not, because in the MUCH bigger picture of those 4 lives, things may just be changing with regards to their eternity. God can put however much He likes into our bank accounts, whenever He likes, but I believe that the invaluable moments of human connection and souls being loved are far more important to Him.
OK, by internet standards, this blog is already WAY too long… I’ll do different posts for my “Non-Christian” responses to the course. Stay as gorgeous as you are in God’s Mirror! HUGS xx