The connection between Snow White, Sleeping Beauty, Cinderella & Rapunzel

There are many white lies, incorrect stories, and adjusted versions of things that older people tell children. Maybe, if someone had’ve told me the truth that “fairy” means not real or true, then I wouldn’t have wasted so much time believing. Maybe I wouldn’t have turned my life into a mess in the pursuit of ‘dreams’ and ‘goals’. Maybe I would’ve ended up content, if not ‘happy’, with my lot in life, because someone had been honest with me… maybe… could have, should have, would have, didn’t.

I discovered the truth too late, after too many years of dreaming and hoping and practicing that thing called faith… Turns out after 26 I got the real deal on those fairy stories. They weren’t really ‘fairy’, there was a lot of truth in them, it’s just that the stories ended on a ‘high’, falsely represented, ‘happy’ note. The ever depressing ‘happy ending’ to those of us who have yet to even begin to find reality in that idea. Here’s what happened post where the ‘caring-let’s-protect-them’ parentals left off:

Snow White

The ‘Prince’ a.k.a. John, saw her in that glass case sleeping and his body reacted and he knew he wanted babies from her to carry on his awesome genes. He knew that she could cook and clean and take care of at least 7 little ones at a time, so it made logical sense to him to follow the plan of a prosperous future and land up with Miss White. The thing is, being as loaded as he was, he didn’t think it necessary to chat to Miss White about his plans. Miss White, having just been whisked out of a very long coma wasn’t quite ‘with it’ when all the marriage stuff happened faster than her recuperation did. As it so happened Miss White was dead against having children as she believed that the world was a horrid place with war, famine, rape, pornography, money-orientated-capitalists, self-absorbed-selfie-taking narcissists, deadly virus’s from Ebola to HIV and more chaos and depression than her little heart could handle, so she had her mind and heart set on creating homes for the homeless, caring for the orphans and uplifting the lives of those with so little when she had been blessed with so much. She had no desire to procreate or have herself replicated in another human being; in fact she thought that it would be most unkind to any child. John, needless to type, was fuming! How dare this woman not realise that his genes should be carried forth into the future to benefit mankind? How dare she think that taking care of so many others was more important than looking after him and his offspring? Did she not realise that he was the reason she wasn’t still living in a hovel? John wanted a divorce; he couldn’t get it. Not because of Miss White, but because he had no degree, no ambition and no desire, other than to own the mirror his grand-mother-in-law owned and have replica’s of himself running around. This being the case, his only source of income was from his parents. His parents were traditionalists and wanted to keep up their very unsoiled appearances in their kingdom so that no-one could dare question them or their perfect lives. Thus John approached Miss White and told her that she had no choice but to have children for the sake of the kingdom. Now Miss White knew that her grandmother wasn’t going to be letting her into her old kingdom and she knew that the seven dwarves were thrilled to be bachelors in all their glory once again, so she had nowhere to go, but still, she wanted to be true to herself and her convictions. So she told John to give her a few months in the kingdom next to far far away to make her decision. He agreed. She skipped off to the neighbours, had a hysterectomy, and then returned back to be the dutiful wife, have all the sex required and, despite all the magical spells Merlin tried to get her to fall pregnant, it just never happened and the grandmother with the mirror was blamed for eternity for the fall of John’s kingdom.

Sleeping Beauty.

When Miss White was getting herself fixed up she was funded by her cousin Miss Beauty. She therefore managed to get the lowdown whilst she was recovering. Miss Beauty had become a counselor in the hospital that Miss White was recovering at. Turned out Miss Beauty’s ‘prince’ a.k.a. Jack, had not been marriage material after all. You see Jack had had a run in with a big giant who kept Fee Fi Foe Fumming all over the place, so Jack got rid of him; this had come after he’d had this nagging mother who was always talking talking talking. So when Jack heard of this Sleeping Beauty he decided to expand his criminal activities and impersonate a prince. He figured Miss Beauty would be the perfect catch for him because 1) she was a beauty and 2) she slept all the time, so she’d be sure to be quiet and wouldn’t annoy him like a certain mother and giant had. His psychologist had told him that his mother was the cause of his paranoia and schizophrenia, so he figured her opposite: a quiet beauty; would be perfect. He went along, followed the instructions in a ‘save the damsel’ booklet, took the woozy Miss Beauty to a Las Vegas Chapel and put a ring on her finger, trusting that the golden silence was going to be better than his golden eggs. Awesome honeymoon and then the drugs she’d been sleeping on ran out and all the talking she’d had to keep back whilst sleeping exploded out continuously. In trying to recover from his murdering the giant Jack was not in the right space for her eruption and, in the fifth night of her babbling about the dragon he’d killed, he reached for one of his weapons to show her he meant business and could kill again, at which point she screeched and ran out to the neighbours who called in a “domestic violence dispute”. The police arrived and arrested Jack, consequently discovering he was wanted for murdering a giant and a dragon, impersonating royalty and the case of his mother’s drowning in a bath of bean soup was still unresolved. Jack got life in jail and Miss Beauty got the golden egg laying chicken, so it transpired that she could help pay for her cousin’s hysterectomy. She decided to become a counselor because she could talk all day and even at night for certain emergency cases.


One of Miss Beauty’s such cases was that of Cinderella, a depressing story to begin with, but it finished up being alright in the end. Cinderella had to get the divorce, the only princess to have suffered such an inexcusable black mark of embarrassment on her name. With no family to go to she had sought shelter in the hospital and Miss Beauty took her on board to clean her office as she had such incredible talents in the cleaning department, it was as if she’d been trained from when she was a toddler. Cinderella’s story was a sad one because the divorce was for reasons beyond her control. She had been so naive and innocent when she went to that ball that when the ‘Prince’ a.k.a. Elton-Louie had sent his servants to come and find the foot for the shoe, it was not because he wanted her, but because he wanted the other shoe. He was dealing in fashion design on the side and his completely gay nature was in love with beautiful forms and his ultimate turn on: gorgeous shoes darhling. Unfortunately, with all the hype that went into finding the shoe, his parents, and the kingdom, were under the impression that it was all for love of the marriage-kind and not love of the fashion-kind. He was still a closet case and was suddenly thrust into the spotlight that caught him in more shock and fear than a flying fairy caught in a sealed pit of hungry frogs. He went through with it all and poor Cinderella was left lonely and isolated and rejected after being turned down on their wedding night, she resorted to cleaning and fell into depression. He began his “blue-period” of social withdrawal and creating all his designs in blue. This went on for a year until the fairy god-mother rocked up again after her holiday in Bermuda with King Arthur’s Merlin who had been called back to deal with a Miss White who couldn’t fall pregnant for reasons unknown, but the conspiracy was believed to be: by the magic of her dodgy grandmother. The fairy-godmother hooked up her lawyer friend, who drew up the papers and got the divorce settled. They sent Cinderella to Miss Beauty and Elton-Louis to Cape Town.


Although Cinderella managed to slowly recover and eventually created her own cleaning company and married a doctor, Rapunzel wasn’t so lucky. It turned out her fate was similar, in a round-about-small-possibly-connected kind of way, to that of Sampson who had his hair cut by Delilah. Sampson lost all his strength when he lost his hair and so too did Rapunzel. Sadly, the problem with Rapunzel was she actually did fall head over tower for the ‘prince’ who climbed her hair and gave her a headache that never ever ended, no matter how much paracetamol she consumed. The ‘prince’ a.k.a. Timothy, or ‘Tim’ to his mates, was one of those ‘playa’s’, the guys who are interested in the hunt, the conquest, the game. He wasn’t the slightest bit interested in commitment or long-term anything. All Rapunzel knew though was LONG term. She didn’t know how to play pretend or cut her emotions or ‘be in the game’. Tim was around for a few weeks, then he got a call that there was some wicked witch in the west of a place called Oz who needed some rescuing, if he managed it, he could get in there to get her inheritance too, because, according to the grapevine of the land of far far away, the witch was pretty much going to be losing a battle with a Dorothy from Kansas very soon. Having squandered most of his parents’ money on his global-damsel-in-distress-escapades, he was keen for the dough and for cashing in on the fame once again. Problem was, Rapunzel was a serious hottie and he actually enjoyed every moment he spent with her, in fact, he knew he loved her, but he also knew he was a playa and he couldn’t settle down, but he didn’t want anyone else to have her either, so he told her he was going away for a short while and would be back after he’d raised some funds for their future, but until then, he gave her a poetry website where he would write a poem for her every day.

He did indeed write incredible poetry; he’d had years of victims, um, subjects, and practice. Rapunzel became so entranced and the spell Tim cast with his words entrenched his being in her soul. He knew he would never return to her, he knew he wanted the money and the chase he would get from all the other women he was yet to conquer, but he felt incredible things for Rapunzel, so incredible that they petrified him and he had no idea how to live them in person, so he lived them through his poetry. This left Rapunzel, whose love language was words, with nothing but unrequited, un-human, internet love.

Tim’s approach literally killed Rapunzel’s soul. She moved into a place of hell as she was separated from the only man she had ever loved or felt so strongly for. She loved him, hated him, wanted to help him, wanted him to suffer, wanted to kill him, hold him, keep him, banish him… every human emotion rocked through her in relation to him and she hated it. She hated that he had made her so helpless when she had been so strong and independent. He had taken her hair and her being with him and left her nothing. She went to psychologists, psychiatrists, spiritual-healers, hypnotherapists and medical practitioners but none of them could help her. They cut her down as a human, filled her with more self-doubt, they told her her parents had caused her misery, they gave her drugs, told her she had post-traumatic stress, depression and anxiety. They told her she was crazy because the poetry was not about her. No-one would write such brilliant stuff and not want to be with that person in person, it was, quite simply, “A ludicrous concept!” They told her she had lost the plot because it wasn’t possible to be hearing Tim’s voice when he had clearly left her, especially as the internet had posted loads of paparazzi pictures of him with the witch. Still, Rapunzel felt Tim with her, when she was washing dishes, drying her hair, showering, sleeping, driving, walking, whatever it was, he was there and she couldn’t get rid of his presence. She fought with herself, hated herself some more, grew more insecure and broke down into tears and little pieces of frustration and self-hate far too often. The specialists had her burn things, break things, draw things, shoot things, do body-shake-therapy, see a body talk consultant, take classes and do so many things that she felt like she was running in circles; and all the while he was next to her with his smile, his laugh, his bizarre comments, his allergies, his stories, and she couldn’t erase him. She went mad, so mad they sent her to the asylum next to the hospital where Cinderella was cleaning and Miss Beauty was talking and Miss White visited every now and then when she was helping out the children in the hospital and bringing joy to those who have so little…

Settle or Wait?

Yesterday, as happens often in my life, I was asked a deep question: “Do women know when they are walking down the aisle that they are making the wrong decision?” The person asking me said that she knew she was making the right decision and there was no doubt in her mind at all that she’d repeat the day in a heartbeat, but some of her friends are now divorcees and in chatting to them, most knew on the day they were making a bad decision. My answer, in my never-had-a-date, never-been-a-bride state “Yes, I believe that those brides who end up divorced knew deep down in their souls that their marriage was not going to work.” My interrogator then said: “but there’s so much pressure on that day and so many people there, you can’t just walk out after all that money, you have to go through with it.” I looked at her and said that I believe women know long before they walk down that aisle, deep down, that they are walking down the aisle for the wrong reasons and they aren’t completely convinced that the guy they are with is ‘the one’. Gen X’ers are a trial and error generation as per psychology journals, so that probably applies to marriage and different partners too. She agreed with me and then said that she guessed the embarrassment of the admission that they have made a mistake is probably too great on their wedding day and people tell them it’s just nerves in a stressful situation, but when you know, you know.

We went on to chat about the reasons why women are settling with guys who they know deep down in their souls are not the perfect supplement to their beings. Obviously there are the 5 Love Languages differences. She goes in thinking its love so she’ll get poetry and one-on-one time with him and he goes in thinking he’ll get someone to serve him. She doesn’t get the words or one-on-one time and he doesn’t get a fresh meal and towels every night, so both feel unloved and that the marriage isn’t working, so they split. Secondly, they’ve never known perfect to exist, so they no longer believe it exists. Thirdly, they’ve had no role models to tell them they are worth perfect so they settle for someone who gives their ego attention.

Fourthly, women are taught to manipulate to get there way (as are men, sometimes even worse so than women). Any manipulator in a relationship and the other will realise eventually that it isn’t truth or real, but a manipulated fabrication. A 9 year old asked me a few months ago what kind of man I was waiting for? What kind of a man did I want? My reply: “The One God has prepared for me and is sending to my front door.” Along with that I gave her the rundown of what I’d love, what I need and how I felt a marriage should be. Her response: “Shoe, but you are going to be waiting a very long time to try and find someone like that!” So, from 9 years old this beautiful girl’s opinion of men is low. Given her context, it didn’t surprise me. But what made me sad was her belief that a perfect partner probably doesn’t exist and if he does, then you’d have to wait for him and in her generation waiting is unheard of. Her generation has parents who feel guilty about working and the relationship with their children is based on demand and supply. Scream and satisfy. No waiting, no delayed gratification, no sense of earning anything or growing responsible enough and proving yourself first. So this approach has translated itself into her perception of marriage and finding a partner. It appeared she “Doesn’t want to wait that long”. She is now 10 and already has her second boyfriend after the first ‘broke her heart’. AT TEN! What is she going to aspire to for the next EIGHTY YEARS if the ultimate journey of learning to love happens with dissatisfaction before she’s out of her teens? As she may not even want to wait that long, she’ll probably just settle with what she thinks she can cope with in the flaws of a boy; the ones she believes she can manipulate (if subconsciously) and change to become what she really wants, on her terms.

This lead onto fifthly: Women are impatient. The Wait. This is without a doubt, by my personal experience, THE worst and most horrible part of practicing faith. The Wait. Depression, loneliness, low-self-esteem, feeling rejected, worthless, becoming completely self-sufficient that you can’t even justify the need for another anymore. Becoming recluse and absent from ‘happy family’ events and functions. Declining the 40th wedding invitation because you’ve been single at every one of the ones before. Throwing yourself into work, studying, cause after cause, after cause, just trying to get through each day of “The Wait”, knowing it will go by more speedily if you are busy. It will hurt less; and kill the soul a little less, by helping others. Being busy will help to pay less attention to the hell you are living through by being separated from love. On top of that is the physical frustration and torment. The ego feeling like it’s an outcast. As you are the ‘abnormal’ one waiting on God, waiting in faith, waiting for the Universe’s perfect timing to make what will be, be. Sitting as a real-life, genuine Rapunzel waiting … It is nothing I would wish on any girl in the world with a heart full of dreams, but neither is being married to and stuck with someone who would kill her soul further more than if she were on her own. I remember dreaming of love and finding someone well over 20 years ago now. My story reads and feels both pathetic and empty, separated from love and my other half. Of course, The Wait could be life-long and the journey was never about meeting someone else, but about becoming whole within my Self, alone… I don’t think many women have the faith, perseverance, trust or self-discipline and control needed to wait, so they go ahead and ‘know’ they can ‘make it work’ by their own doing and manipulation and control of the situation. They’ve been told their whole lives “you can do anything…” the question begged here: but is it wise to?

Finally, life experience. I’m realising as I type that these aren’t separate points, they are actually just different perspectives of the same thing, human flaws and how we just replicate them generation after generation after generation. In order for women to realise they have doubts, to realise that it isn’t going to work, they’d have to be in tune with themselves. Not their friends, family or colleagues or society and its major complexities, but just in sync with themselves in the quiet of their own beings. They’d have to ask themselves and trust the answer, not let their egos get in the way, or the thoughts planted in their minds. If they are in tune with their body and soul, then they would absolutely know that something isn’t ‘clicking’.

Being a ridiculously honest person I’ve never been able to hide my knowing that something was wrong with the energy between myself and a guy. My body irrationally flinches and closes off at touch, like an instinctual, uncontrollable reaction. My mind swings into analysis, pissed off that I’m not playing the game. My ego gets cross with my body and gets my mind to ‘sort this out’ and create justifications as to why I should be grateful for the attention and the touch. My ego is over the moon at the attention and my body doesn’t want it. This has been my experience with every guy who sits or stands near me, I don’t like it. Society would tell me that I have a problem, that there must be something bad in my past that I’ve blocked out to make me feel so irrationally uncomfortable around men. I’ve never been able to make myself feel any different, so I gave up trying and God blessed me with a very female environment. I’ve left it to God to sort out in His time. If I didn’t have faith that God’s got my life, then I would be faulty. I would have to be in psychology sessions and I would have to “force myself” to be comfortable around men and date them (I was genuinely told this by a counselor). Forcing my body to do what it is completely uncomfortable with. This would have created great dissonance with myself and my being. Depression, low self-worth you name it. Still, this was my experience before my 30th year. If I had forced myself to make myself love and be with someone, then I would have found myself in front of the mirror telling myself to “Get happy!” telling myself off for not being happy like I’m supposed to be in this ‘perfect’ relationship. Controlling my soul and being and forcing them to be ‘dutiful’ because I swore ‘forever’. I would be living with societal guilts and pressures that I think may overwhelm many women. That would have become my ‘norm’ if I’d done what the world told me to. If I’d bowed to the nonsense of this world; its faulty standards without faith in God and His plan, then I’d be divorced by now too.

When I was 30 though, something happened. At 30 I met a man where for the first time my desire was not to step away from him, but to step into his embrace. Not detach, but engage. Suddenly the dynamics changed, my mind was against him in every way due to the unfortunate situational context, but my body and soul relished in pure undeniable, unadulterated never-before-experienced joy! The energy was so good, so attractive, so coated in unconditional love like I had never experienced before, never known, never sung and danced in before. It was like an electric shock to my entire being. A lightning bolt from Heaven that radiated a joy I had never known existed. The realisation wasn’t on first meeting, it was only weeks after that, then it was realisation and 3 weeks of confusion, mayhem, disorientation, anger, hope, delusion, tears, joy, everything! Every emotion you could name catapulted through me in those 3 weeks. Finally, when I had to walk away, thanks to the situational context, the only thing that kept going through my mind was the realisation that I belonged by his side. That is where I fit in this life. I want to be the one standing next to him no matter what. “I love you”. I finally know what love really is! I’d never come close to thinking that about any man in my life, ever.

He felt nothing for me.

The whole experience showed me that it was possible for me to feel the intrinsic desire to tell someone I loved them and I truly meant it unconditionally, in the context of: “everything I have is Yours.” In parallel to my relationship with My Father in Heaven and understanding His love for us: what I was feeling for someone who felt nothing for me, was akin to what God feels for every human being, even though most don’t feel it for Him. I realised through this encounter that I haven’t been waiting in vain. That my body knows me and the Universe and the plans God has for me, and my physical reactions hold a far deeper meaning and knowing than I’d realised.

Naturally the rejection has been beyond hell and back over and over again. The separation from a love that I now know, for sure, exists, has been nothing short of hell and torment. The break down after being left, the depression, anxiety, tears, melt-downs, all resulting from my soul’s knowing that something so miraculously joyous does exist and I lost it, I don’t have it. This has all been traumatic. BUT what I now know absolutely, without doubt, is that real, unconditional, relaxed, companionable, enriching love does exist. I now know that what I’m hoping for, whether it ever arrives again or not, I know it does exist. I know that I am in tune with myself and my body isn’t lying to me. My ego is the liar. Even if the rest of the world tells me I’m not normal, that I’m dysfunctional, and running on the wrong schedule, I can walk away from them with conviction, because I have experienced the real deal. I know what is possible now. I’ve touched it, experienced it and been spoilt by it too. Sadly, I now have the conviction of knowing by experience what desire feels like, what unconditional means, what sacrifice is, and I know that love truly is incredible. People who haven’t experienced this, don’t ‘know’. They don’t want to ‘wait for it’. They want to settle and take what they have and ‘work with it’. I’m not about to settle and/or force and/or make it have to work as a fabrication of what I’ve dreamt of. A fabrication of love that I know I won’t have the energy or ‘fakeness’ to maintain and sustain all my life. I don’t want “she settled for less” on my gravestone. I’d prefer: “Their love was God’s gift and creation and the hard relationship work so much easier because of it.”

Maybe my one intrinsic, instinctual, I-don’t-need-you-to-say-it-back moment of “I love you” is all I’ll get in this lifetime, or maybe God is good for His Word, and I’m destined for Heaven after this wait… only time will tell… so I have to keep on keeping busy to get through each long day, just in case I’m right and God’s got this… Amen.

F.Y.I. Post – so frustrated and stuck!

I find myself completely frustrated and perplexed at the moment, feeling like the Universe has slapped a straight-jacket on me and is refusing to let me out of my cage and be set free to achieve things and be all I was made to be. It is revolting. After numerous job applications being turned down I find myself stuck in a work environment under the supervision of a boss who doesn’t trust me, and I’m one of the most trustworthy human beings on the planet! Due to expressively complicated personal circumstances the boss has been off / ‘out of office’ for a very long time, whilst I’ve been covering and managing a double workload with emails and texts behind my back going around. It is stressful when I’m sitting with 300 learners to sort out and my immediate boss doesn’t trust me. Why would God want me in this situation? Worst of all is that the stress is corroding my body and soul and leaving me even more exhausted. Why am I in this situation? Why won’t the doors I’m banging on open up to let me out?

On top of it and adding to the frustration is my inability to type and blog and spend time doing what I love doing, all because of the permanent state of over-dramatised crisis management at work. Work is not a person’s life. Work should not be stressful. It should not drive one to drink. People should be professional at work and get the job done; and if they can’t, then say so and pass it on, until they can. So much of frustrating! Anyway, that’s my rant. I don’t understand why God needs to me to go through this for such a prolonged amount of time, especially when it’s such an unhealthy environment. Ugh! Ugh! Ugh!

So, even though I now have 4 of 4 exam papers to set instead of my expected 2 of 2; and I have a new teacher to train as the second one to ‘fill in’; and I have an international Adobe Course that I’m weeks behind in to catch up on, stuff it, I’m writing a blog for my own soul. Topic: Settle or Wait for Marriage?

Am I A Christian? Conclusion – inconclusive …

After posting the sessions’ blogs, I sent them to the preacher. No reply. My friend Alyss Brossy sent 4 twitter requests to Louie Giglio to comment. Nothing. Joyce Meyer herself was also asked to comment. Nothing. A minister in training, nothing. 3 Christian pastors of high status and experience completely avoiding the blogs and my questions on faith and how what they are advocating doesn’t make sense when it comes to hell, suffering, religion and The Bible. Not a word. So if there is no comment and no answers to my questions, how can I believe that there is Love in their religion?

South Africa – Nuclear Energy – the world is NUTS!

This is an older post I put up on LinkedIn and it disappeared… then today I read on twitter that the nuclear stuff is going ahead – so I’m re-posting it because I feel like it – HUMPH!

Once again I’m typing in a state of incensed rage! I was supposed to be marking exam papers, but was distracted with Twitter and ended up reading that South Africa has now signed an agreement to take on more nuclear reactors through Russia! How INSANE! Psychotic. I logged into the NEWS24 article that already had 55 comments in less than an hour. I then typed a comment in protest, and the phone froze in the last sentence. Nothing, stupid technology, the phone freezes randomly all over the place, whenever it feels like it, especially when it’s something important to me, and these phones/technologies are what people place their trust and lives in? I digress. I batteried out and then re-installed and reconnected. Retyped. Hit submit and bam: site not accessible. Sorry for you, ‘this site may not exist anymore’ blah blah blah. I was angerised even more. Get on to the site again, a third time (so guess it does still exist), and bam: 121 comments have now been posted! Psychotic. I couldn’t get in to read them as the phone does what the phone wants and receives signal when it feels like it, and doesn’t when it doesn’t, it’s choice being “not” in my anger. Argh!

So I couldn’t mark papers because my fuse has blown and being objective was not an option, not that my government would care about that it appears. So angry! So I ended up typing this and if you are reading – apologies if I offend you – but these things should be typed by someone, even if the government will do what they feel like anyway! And I’m not in an emotional state to be politically correct!

I typed on that self-functioning-maddening phone that I think the whole idea of nuclear power is psychotic! Has no-one bothered to recall or remember the effects of a NUCLEAR EXPLOSION? Was it not only a few years ago that Japan was in a ghastly place because of a tsunami hitting their nuclear reactors? The hell those residents had to live through, the fear, and the South African government are saying, “Great, I’ll have some more of that!”?!?

WHY? Because Eskom can’t supply enough power. Yet, Billboards are brightly lit all night long. Rugby, cricket, soccer, racecourses for night-racing and athletics stadiums are lit with super spotlights. Office blocks do not turn off their office lights at night, shop windows keep lights on, airports and shopping malls are always lit and air-conned, etolls use electricity, and some streetlights are left on all night. Casinos are lit with crazy lighting all over the show. No wonder there is a power drain. We pump more rubbish into our atmosphere day after day and that affects the weather, which drains power through air-conditioners and heaters. This is not rocket science people! Get rid of the unnecessary excess. Get rid of the desire for money, money, money and more money.

On top of this we live in a country where it appears the mentality of many is: “Man needs to have lots of wives/women and lots of babies”! Hello! Population explosion = electricity drain = power drain = more pollution = more waste = less space = drained resources all round! This is not higher grade! Some high school boys are quite chuffed with themselves because they have managed to make more than one schoolgirl pregnant! Create more people and take more from the environment, more from the hard-working tax-payer. Take, take, take…. And how is the government dealing with it: bring in nuclear power, let’s destroy the environment, let’s take more from the earth, let’s take more by setting up hazardous nuclear reactors, let’s bring in fracking and let’s encourage population growth and self-destruction.

I sit as a teacher, seeing the education levels decreasing with unhelpful ‘policies’, the apathy increasing and less and less and less learners with any desire to work hard and become something. I see less and less learners who are going to be employed in an income bracket to earn money to pay tax to pay for all the craziness the government is implementing, and I get mad. Mad that it all has to fall. We are dealing with unnatural, unhealthy and non-sustainable short-cuts. Nothing that is being set up in this context is for the good of the earth and/or the people living on it. It’s all for instantaneous gratification and ‘power’ and not for the future of anything worthwhile and positively productive and/or sustainable. It makes me sick!

I can’t mark papers now… what’s the point anyway? We may all just be wiped out with a nuclear mistake sooner than “our” government realise they are looking at the wrong issues. They are being ‘reactive’ instead of ‘proactive’, but I don’t think they care, so long as they get to charge their phones, have their DSTV boxes on, use their laptops and internet, and have their TV’s, aircons and heaters working… SO ANGRY!

PART 4: The trouble with Christianity is… The God who sends people to hell

Am I really a Christian? Fighting my battle with myself Part 4
The trouble with Christianity is… The God who sends people to hell
NB NB NB – I have NO qualification whatsoever to write this piece, it is pure commentary and opinion.

So this was the final talk on the book written by Tim, presented by the chilled out pastor. I have to be open and honest here, I was quite anxious about going to this talk because I knew God would be prompting me to say something. This was not a good feeling as my gut and research and belief in my Awesome and All-Powerful God, the Ultimate Authority and Presence and Being of LOVE, have taken me to a space where I do not believe in ‘eternal’ torture. I do not see this as an option at all. Purely because I believe that God has ‘won’ and that God never leaves anyone behind, so if even ONE soul was going to be ‘sent’ to/ ‘choose’ ‘eternal torment’, then God would have ‘lost’ and nothing in any scripture or any promise or anything I associate with My Lord could be true.

Hence I knew I was walking into a Christian environment where they believe in hell and they believe that there is a devil and an evil who could ‘win’. Ludicrous to me. He cannot ‘win’ anything, the only factor is time and how long it takes a soul to move to love. So maybe ‘evil’ or ‘the devil’ is just trying to give people less time in ‘heaven’. As Neale Donald Walsch puts it: “there is an experience of the soul so unhappy, so incomplete, so less than whole, so ‘separated’ from God’s greatest joy, that to your soul this would ‘be’ hell.” But… God “does not send you there, nor does He cause the experience to be visited upon you. You, yourself, create the experience, whenever and however you separate your Self from you ‘own’ highest thought about you. You, yourself, create the experience, whenever you deny your Self; whenever you reject Who and What You Really Are.
Yet, even this experience is never eternal. It ‘cannot’ be, for it is not God’s plan that you shall be separated from Him forever and ever. Indeed, such a thing is an impossibility – for to achieve such an event, not only would ‘you’ have to deny Who You Are – God would have to as well. This He will never do. As long as God holds the truth about you, the truth about you shall ultimately prevail.”

Now I already know that my opinions on this topic are not in line with Christianity, as I have mentioned in previous blogs on the topic. So, in my state of anxiety at going to the talk I was woken with various strands of thoughts from about 11pm – 3am the night before. The premise for the thoughts (bearing in mind that my mantra is that God provides all I need in His perfect timing in the exact divine right order according to His will each day) was that 1) God is Love and 2) God knows all and is all. The scribbles via my bedside light and groggy state of half-asleep space looked like this (in typed form anyway):
1) God plans ahead by MILLENIA, the crucifix didn’t even exist as a form of execution when how Jesus would die was predicted by prophets decades before.
2) God knows us from before we are conceived in the womb. He formed us. He created us. Therefore anyone ending up in Hell would mean that God planned for it millennia in advance! That thought is stomach-churningly horrific!
3) If even one soul was stuck in ‘Hell’ then God would have ‘lost’ and ‘Satan’ would have ‘won’ and the whole idea of God’s Victory is a lie. ONE LOSS IS A DEVASTATION TO LOVE.
4) Unconditional LOVE! Love would NEVER tolerate ‘Hell’ forever. Pure Love would not allow eternal suffering.
5) An existence of eternal ‘Hell’ would mean that God is not all powerful and/or omnipresent because love cannot exist with knowing &/ allowing ‘eternal torture’.
6) God is EVERYTHING – the Alpha to Omega, created all and is in all, thus nothing would faze Him, because He is it all, He knows it all, and has no need to dictate power or prove anything to anyone or anything. HE IS. Full Stop. When nothing fazes you, you don’t need to punish anyone or prove anything.
7) Hell is pointless because God has NOTHING to prove.
8) God doesn’t want us to ‘choose Him out of fear’, purely because He’s a “better option” than ‘Hell’. God wants us to choose Him purely because He is Love and Love is AWESOME. LOVE drives out fear.
9) As humans we are created by God. As humans we are faulty. The creator wouldn’t punish His creation – that doesn’t make sense! The potter doesn’t see the pot break because of a faulty world and then punish it for breaking! The silversmith doesn’t see the silver tarnish because of the elements and then punish the silver! A mechanic doesn’t create a car and then punish it for breaking down.
10) For humans to say that we humans make the choice of Heaven or Hell means to say that God is not ALL-POWERFUL and we humans have more power than God.
11) God is not an exclusive club where only an elite few can subscribe to/pay subsidies to ‘get in’. God is for EVERYONE. I would never exclude a child access to my classroom, no matter what they have done, and if they realised the worth of the education they will receive in my class, they wouldn’t choose to stay outside. Eventually they would enter.
12) Jesus erased ‘Hell’ when He took on all our sin (as per Biblical teaching), ergo – GOOD HAS WON! God has won! No-one can get to the Father except through the Son, and Jesus prayed His last prayer “Forgive them for they know not what they do”. The last and ultimate prayer, we are forgiven for being morons. We cannot reduce the power, grace or glory of Jesus’s last request to His Father in Heaven.
13) Hell is FEAR and PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT ALL FEAR. Full Stop. So when you love God, when you truly love, hell cannot exist.

Looking at the ‘terrible number’ of ‘13’ points there, it’s quite obvious that I wasn’t in a sit, listen, keep quiet and obey the speaker mindset, should it be that ‘hell’ exists. Such is, doesn’t even type very pleasantly, but that’s the way it was for me.

The talk began with defining Hell as ‘the Ultimate separation from God, by being completely addicted to and/or enslaved by whatever you are addicted to/ enslaved by on earth.’ This followed on with an addiction being something that is based in ‘sin’ and ‘sin’ is when you set your life on a downward trajectory away from Love and God. I thought “YAY!” at this point, maybe I’ll be on the same page as these guys on something afterall… my hope was short-lived… “Souls go on forever”, agreed, and then I fell out from here onwards: Souls go on forever, thus they will be self-obsessed forever if they are in sin and the fire of “Hell” is a metaphor for the disintegration of the self in a personal fire. . . It’s the whole “forever” word/clause/meaning that I vehemently disagree with, because that word disintegrates the concept of ‘Hope’ and God’s victory. How can anyone believe in hope or God if even one soul is due to be lost ‘forever’?
Ok, so the pointers at this session were that people believe:
1) Day of judgment is a bad thing … (but we want justice)
2) Good can’t be angry and loving … (but we can)
Ok, I didn’t ‘get’ these points at all. The whole drive of it was that God must at some point ‘put right’ / ‘punish evil’ as He can’t do “nothing as people suffer”, and humans must be held accountable and receive ‘justice’ for their actions. “Humans desire justice”. Loving people get angry and have to tell people “not to do that”… At this point, it was as clear as Big Ben Bells tolling 12 that I cannot be a Christian!
1) To say that God must ‘put right’ is saying that God ‘got it wrong’ to start with! How can the ALL-PERFECT get it “wrong”? My whole perspective in my writing a couple of blogs ago states that I don’t believe God creates/created suffering, humans do that. So the whole ‘punish evil’ thing is ridiculous to me as God knows the exact what, when, where, how and why that ‘evil’ was done, dating back MILLENIA, how can anyone ‘punish’ someone when they know them and everything about them inside out? Once again, the potter punishing the clay pot for being broken by the world… makes NO sense to me at all.
2) Held ‘accountable’? ‘Justice’? Whose ‘justice’? Whose ‘account’? Whose ‘rules’? What ‘grounds’? Man’s? What a laugh, to bring GOD, My Awesome Father, down to the selfish, righteous, faulty and close-minded character of a human being! Please! I cannot and will not do that. Neale Donald Walsch: “Even if God did hold the extraordinarily unGodly thought that humans do not “deserve” heaven, why would He have to seek some kind of revenge or punishment for human failing? Wouldn’t it be a simple matter for God to just dispose of people? What vengeful part of God would require that He would subject us to eternal suffering of a type beyond description? If you answer, the need for justice, would not a simple denial of communion with God in heaven serve the ends of justice? Is the unending infliction of pain also required?” … “there ‘is’ no such experience after death as you have constructed in your fear-based theologies.”
3) No, loving people do not ‘have’ to get angry, loving people ‘have’ to spread love. Loving people know that ‘their way’ is not the only perspective in the world. They know every single human being is very different. No-one can ever see anything from another’s eyes/life/context, ever. Loving people know that God’s standards are set in Love and that God is taking care of things, and our earthly ‘criteria’ are just that and we do not know God’s purpose for anyone. If God is within us and we get angry because others are causing hurt, pain, devastation, then we are required to productively put that anger and emotion aside and ask God to help us do something loving about it, not just ‘tell others what to do’. You are raping women, why? Let’s get to the root of it, let’s heal it. You are stealing. Why? Let’s get to the root of it, let’s create actions that will help solve the problem. No job? A starving family? Someone controlling you in a gang? Yes, my initial reaction will be anger, but I am human, God is not. I’m required to move towards Godliness and do something to help and serve, as Jesus did.
4) I do not desire ‘justice’. I desire healing, I desire peace, I desire love to flow from everyone towards everyone. Yet I am also fundamentally aware that we, as humans, cannot know one end of the spectrum of relativity unless we know the other. I cannot heal until I have been broken. I cannot know peace until I have known turmoil. I cannot practice love until I have lived through its opposite in separation from love, and I have decided not to choose to live in hate. I was horrified that a human could say that they desire others to live in Hell. Horrified to my core.

The speaker went on to relay more of this Tim’s book by saying that Hell is something we need. Hell “stops us from becoming self-centred”. Hell puts Jesus’s dying on the cross into perspective and makes us realise how wonderful His act was. The speaker truly believes that Hell is about “getting how much God loves us”. There I was believing that nothing I can do or not do can make God love me more or any less! Yet the talk sounded like if I fear Hell, then I will be nearer God, that it is a fear-factor that is needed for me to turn to God. Yet I would think that: Hell stops my love being sincere, Hell stops my heart and mind from being free, Hell creates self-centredness because it is all about me “making sure I’m not going there”. It is SUCH a contradiction to LOVE! Love is what we need, NOT Hell! Jesus’s dying on the Cross for me means that all humans are FORGIVEN. Finished and klaar. The last sacrifice has been made. Jesus took away ‘Hell’ by giving us a living example of how to walk in love. How to be Who We Are and Live out our Purpose in Love. Yip, I was getting angry at what was being said, my human reaction. Yet, this is a speaker ordained in his church, someone preaching the word of God and I thought I was walking with God, so why would I be so discontent in my core at what he was saying? How can I be Christian if I refuse to fear God and I choose God purely because I LOVE HIM with ALL MY BEING and not because “if I don’t I’ll be in trouble”?

I recall a defining moment in high school nearly two decades ago. A guy called Mark stood up and did his English oral on religion and God and I remember the one part of it so clearly: You don’t have to believe in God; and if you don’t and you die and He doesn’t exist, cool, but if you die and He does exist… then what? Thinking back on that, it was such a logical statement, he didn’t say you’ll end up in Hell, or a bad thing will happen, or anything like that, he just said “then what?” Indeed, I thought, I don’t want to ‘not know’, I want to know that I will be able to pass on knowing that I have lived a life worthy of being with My God in Heaven, if heaven does exist that is, and not end up “wherever”. It wasn’t a choice or a thought in fear; it was a choice in what makes sense, where I want to end up and how I can live a life worthy of dying content and happy with what I did here on earth.

The talk then went on with its two fundamental points:
1) Hell is crucial to understanding our hearts. This unfolded as “something growing in us that can potentially become hell, because as we replace God in our hearts we come to live in denial and isolation which is intensified over time and by the greater our distance away from Him.” Apparently there is a famous quote that says: “The Doors of Hell are locked from the inside”… this made me think of a blog I wrote years ago on a guy who wrote a poem that seemed to be a response to one of my comments and said that the subject of the poem would be locked in hell, I had no idea this quote even existed. I get this, yes, separation from God is choice. We do lock the doors to God from within ourselves by rejecting Love / God. The speaker saw sin as “living my life my way” and God grants us our wishes, as we move away from God. . . God becomes irrelevant, God is replaced, someone/thing else becomes more important than our relationship with God.

Now I agree with all of this, but I don’t believe that it is something beyond life. I believe it is something in life. If you base your life on money and its fluctuations, you are going to be unhappy, miserable, living separately from God, living in Hell, soul-less… Base your life on wanting another to love you, equals trouble. Base your life on having power and control, trouble. Bad consequences result from stupid decisions that were not based in love. Bad consequences are the results of your choices and create your ‘hell’. Go to prison, get HIV/AIDS, lose the love of someone you abused, have a head on collision whilst driving drunk, being nasty whilst drunk or high, get over-weight and unhealthy because you can’t control what you eat and you don’t exercise, all your human decisions, all steps away from love, why? Because we don’t love and respect and forgive ourselves. I feel like this is another echo of one of my last blogs. We need to be instruments of peace and love, not hate and fear, but we can only recreate what we know and what we have been taught, and most people rely on faulty human beings to be their teachers and educators, they don’t rely on wise, loving and good people, they rely on T.V., politicians, spouses, parents, academics and people who don’t practice love themselves, for advice &/ ‘wisdom’. Instead, we should be relying on God and loving ourselves enough to trust God in us, love others and uplift them instead of pulling them down so we don’t feel as lonely in our misery and self-hate as we are. Hell is our creation and it is an echo of where our hearts are at. If we are unable to be in our own company, we are in hell and separate from God. If we are unable to turn off the T.V., the radio, the phone, the music and sit in silence with ourselves and be at peace, then we are in hell. Hell is something right here and now for those who don’t love themselves and have not been taught love, have not chosen love and have not realised it’s a journey and a decision they have to make on their own. Hence they cannot accept God, or God’s unconditional love given to them in abundance, without question, because they don’t understand love and don’t believe in their hearts that they are loved. How can you let someone else love you completely when you don’t know why they would love you? You don’t even love you; you just want to change you and your life…
2) The next & last point: Hell is crucial to understanding God’s love. Luke 16 v 19-28 was the selected verse. . . I just didn’t see the piece as the speaker did. I see the “place of torment” as here on earth where people don’t know, practice or live in love and goodness and peace. I don’t believe God takes/gives or expects us to live in poverty/hell. If we all helped each other, there would be no poverty. If we all focused on God and giving away, there would be no need to have 2 houses and 2 cars per person on one side and 10 in one house without a car on the other. There would be no throwing away of food ‘gone off’ or cupboards deep with tins that are never opened. There would be no-one without warmth and food, if we all truly loved. In my translation of this point: We need to know Hell, separation from God, in order to Know the AWESOMENESS of being with Him… and then we need to choose which place we prefer; and then live in that space, and act accordingly.

A final parting thought: Neale Donald Walsch “No one else will judge you ever, for why, and how, could God judge God’s own creation and call it bad? If God wanted you to be and do everything perfectly, He would have left you in the state of total perfection from whence you came. The whole point of the process was for you to discover yourself, create your Self, as you truly are – and as you truly wish to be. Yet, you could not be that unless you also had a choice to ‘be something else’. Should God therefore punish you for making a choice that He Himself has laid before you? If God did not want you to make the second choice, why would He create one other than the first? This is the question you must ask yourselves before you would assign God the role of a condemning God.”

The end of the talk arrived and the panel was opened for discussion and I felt all the nerves and fear on earth mounting up inside of me, yet the questions persisted, ask Shannan, ASK. So I asked: “I don’t understand; Our God who created all things and planned the future millennia in advance, is also the God who knows us before we are created in the womb. Why would he create us if he knows we are destined for eternity in Hell?”
No-one could answer me in any way that satisfied my hassles.
I then asked: “If Jesus said “forgive them for they know not what they do”, then surely we are all forgiven?” The response was that maybe Jesus, the man carrying the sin and weight of the world on His shoulders, was “only asking forgiveness for the men in front of him”.
I stopped asking. I was shocked at the response.
My conclusion from Part 1 – 4: I’m not a Christian. I can only pray that My Father In Heaven in all His Grace, Mercy, Glory and Awesomeness will be the Only one to ever show me what to do, what to believe, what to say, what to type and how to live a life that will make Him proud to call me His daughter, even if I don’t fit into the rules, structures and stipulations of the human cult called “Christianity.” Especially as I stumble and make mistakes along the way. Lord, forgive me if I have all this wrong, but, honestly, I only want Your knowledge and truth and none of man’s human nonsense. Thank-You Lord for walking this journey with me.
Hell is FEAR and PERFECT LOVE DRIVES OUT ALL FEAR. Full Stop. So when you love God, when you truly love, hell cannot exist.
LOVE YOU WITH ALL MY HEART and SOUL Lord, please keep working with my mind ;-) xxx

25 Sept 2014 – God’s present

One thing that I have undoubtedly learnt over the past few years through writing ‘Eish!’, through travels, anxiety, depression, post-traumatic stress, unemployment for 8 months, and so much more, is that God is ALWAYS present. He is there no matter what the world and this often ghastly life has thrown at me, God has been there in the details, in the timing, in the words, in the moments, offering me hope and light, if only I care to look.

Yet another example has been the last 48 hours. As I sit trying to catch-up 5 grades of marking, trying to help a young lady new to teaching to take over an experienced teacher’s load, trying to balance the old teacher popping in and out to check on things, balancing my health, trying to accept and adapt to the changed dynamic of my family unit as it has dissolved from one into 5 separate entities that function without much union, more car challenges, Body Corporate nastiness and just generally trying to get through my grocery shopping, cooking, cleaning, ironing and the ‘normal’ I-must-eat-and-shower functions of a day… I am sitting back in awe. I’ve managed to catch-up grade 8-11 and get marks in for the deadline, but I didn’t realise that my grade 12s were back tomorrow (26/9/14) so I haven’t completed their marking, yet I will still meet next Wednesday’s deadline for their reports. So it’s only a half fail… why I couldn’t force myself to mark tonight? Because this morning I received the stunning (as in stunned) news that stops everyone from functioning for awhile. . .

48 hours ago my very tired self decided to break away from the mayhem and watch a movie with a friend. I felt called to watch the movie called “The Giver” on the ‘big screen’. Wow, so much for a break. It was a highly truthful movie that hit both of us in the gut so hard that we didn’t leave until all the credits were done and the cleaners were dusting us out. I was really pleased to see that the work of truth I had seen had been partly sponsored by our very own Dept of Trade and Industry. It gave me a little bit of hope in a government that I do not trust at all. The movie plot compares: a life without choice, a life without emotions or fear or hate or religion (ring in John Lennon and ‘Imagine’), a life without love; to the past experiences of man that resounded in choice, fear, hate, love, joy, peace, war and all the mayhem of being human. It compared them visually too via a black and white world and a world of colour. I sat there and watched ‘The Giver’ transfer memories of love, joy, hurt, pain, death and every nuance and subtly of the glorious experience of being human onto ‘The Receiver’. Everything that has been resounding in my readings and experiences of late culminated in the film. LIFE is all of it, every tear, every laugh, every hug, argument, birth, wedding funeral. Every moment is its own blessing and each moment needs to be lived, loved and appreciated in the miracle of itself and that it cannot be compared to any other moment that has existed or will ever exist. Moments are as unique as the billions of people living them every second; such is the miracle and beauty of life. When it is done it is done, be still and know that I am God…

I watched the movie, absorbed it, related to it and conversed around it afterwards. I found peace in the knowing that each moment simply: is; and each moment is truly incredible in and of itself, as the next moment will be too, if we allow it to be and we recognise its phenomenal essence and purpose within the whole of relativity. A moment’s fleeting presence and its true existence as a gift, a present from God to each of us. Such beauty and fragility, such preciousness and divinity to be found if only it is looked for. I spent Wednesday in the aftermath of acceptance. I then awoke this morning, prepared for school and received an email in my inbox from a dear learner I taught from 2011-2013. She was emailing me to let me know her classmate, Angel, had passed away the day before. The Wednesday I spent catching up marking, Angel breathed her last breath in ICU.

19 years old, so many hours invested into her education, so much time to build her up and prepare her for life, gone. The hopes of her friends and family, the precious moments of life for her, gone. I cried quiet tears all morning as my torn heart overflowed by seeping through my tear-ducts. I realised through the sadness that I had done my job, that she had left my class improved for the experience, appreciative and without any grudges towards me, or me towards her, even though she had been one challenging learner to teach. She walked out more balanced, more hopeful and ready to try and find her way in the world, only to have it cut short 9 months later. I realised the importance of not holding things against others, the importance of clearing the air and being up front and honest with people as I always was with Angel. I also realised that being a teacher is the ultimate job of hope. We educate, we build up, we encourage, we motivate, we discipline, we create, we help, we chastise, we enter our work day each and every day with the fundamental truth of hope. Hope to better others’ lives, improve others’ chances and create better odds for everyone we encounter. Hope, because that life we invest so much of our time into may not achieve much, by their own choice, or by fate, but even so, every day we teach in the hope that something good will come out of it all. Something that will create more hope and solve problems for which solutions have not been found as yet. Teachers really are daily practitioners who live on hope. Not big bank accounts, not profit share, not making the kill, not getting our backs’ scratched, but hope that somehow we are making the world a better place, somehow. . . today the ‘cliché’ that so many hold against us because they are not doing anything to help others, so they cover their guilt with arrogance and material, consumerist success; today that cliché resonated in my being as Angel was being mourned and my hopes at the difference she would maybe make were dashed… yet I carried on teaching, because the 150 odd girls crossing my path this year, they might just make it and reward my hope with a more beautiful world for the person they chose to become after crossing my path.

Lord, Angel is home with You, enjoy your time together, this one knows how to party ;-) She’s big on the present xx

I look at it all and I am thankful for the perfect timing of “The Giver”, for the grace of having an extended matric deadline and for knowing that this too shall pass and I shall be still and know My God Is God and all is good.

Once again, an emotional day, a draining day, and I couldn’t get through my marking… sigh…