Day 35 … dealing with My Self lockdown diary SA

SA 5350 cases, 2073 recoveries and 103 deaths

World 3,272,062 cases, 1,031,489 recoveries and 231,310 deaths

Sitting with the overwhelming wait of what is going to be required of teachers now… scary thoughts…

I was too angry to sleep last night. So watched a series called “Suits” on my laptop, thanks to a student teacher who loaded a bunch of movies and series onto my external hard drive. Meghan Markle. It is weird I guess. I saw her photos and wedding with Prince Harry, before anything “director” created in studio. I wasn’t a fan of the whole set up, but it was just my personal taste. Watching her in the series, as a drama teacher and perpetual acting critic, my opinion was enforced. Even so, watching a few of the slow scripts and brief episodes helped tire me out.

Brief sleep to wake up early enough this morning. Once again my body separate from my mind. My body still hosted anger in my chest. It is such a horrible feeling. Usually the neighbours aren’t awake as early – this time both were, and puffing away on their nicotine. VOMIT! Anger pumping.

The government decided today that they are not lifting the ban on cigarettes – so I guess we will have more contraband dealers on our property in the weeks ahead ;(

My brain did not understand why my body was still holding all the anger. I journalled; asking for forgiveness for all the words and ugliness that I posted in my blog yesterday. My anger and the negative energy was, no doubt, a karmic energy back to myself. I had the same old cyclic conversation with myself – that earthly comparative conversation in this land of -er (others who are bett-er with their luck, smart-er, hard-er working, pretti-er and the list goes on… into those I judge in some areas as having “less” than I, but who have received so much more) – always a truly dangerous head space; which just gets me asking why God even bothered with a single, odd, different human like me. I still can’t wrap my head around the purpose and meaning of the ‘little’ people… us “mass population” statistics.

I can’t wrap my head around the fact that I have dreams and wishes, scripts for my life that play out in my mind; but the reality for them is absurd (people – like Lady Di & Nelson Mandela – have died and I longed to meet them when they were alive – obviously it became absurd). Why would I have the dreams, yet no grit, guts, lucky breaks or blood, sweat and tears drive to make them a reality?

What happened? Other than more unexpected trauma knocking me for 6 in 2010… what force was so powerful that it completely derailed me and left me with post-traumatic stress, anxiety on a new scale, and a serious lack of concern over dying? In fact, the opposite, prayers for permanent sleep and final rest from myself. Something has made my youthful knowing of exclusion and “being different”, into something worse – or is it? – in the more profound space of everything dies, nothing on earth is reliable or constant, so nothing actually matters, so why bother?

Of course, my Spirit wins each time the words pump their earthly truths through my brain space; but it takes lots of effort and energy to get behind “Spirit”; just letting go would be SO much easier. A vegetable in front of movies and series, nothing to it… I just wonder if the day will come when God stops His perpetual grace and supply of energy. Biblical truth is: He won’t, His grace never ends; but God is divine; Grace is out of this world… and: I am not, physically, not… so all this continuous effort to uplift myself and try with “better”; just feels meaningless, because I am of this world, my ego and conscience are of this world and nothing keeps its meaning in this earth space, nothing, but The Divine Not of Earth.

Case in example: the person in the meeting who I battled with yesterday – tried, in a manner not quite akin with my usual etiquette, to assist me today. The results of his efforts have not appeared at all through the channels they should have by now… but he still connected with a phone call; which was at least something. So I retracted in the “now” to less of what I expressed yesterday. So, there you are: my inconsistency, my need to move my thoughts, readjust myself, there is no constant in humans – none. Hence a far higher and constant North is needed as a goal, the focus, The One to direct towards to keep on a constant track; even if it is the road less travelled.

Over today and yesterday I have tried to share photos on “View from my window”; but the one Facebook account was blocked – they didn’t give me the rules… I was being sneaky as only about 5 people read my blog; so my earthly self wanted that selfish attention again… which obviously got me blocked. I tried to join off another Facebook account, but that one showed me the rules and wouldn’t let me accept them. Waste of time and data 😦 from my ego’s innate desire to have “recognition” and “likes” in a space as big as a black hole, a.k.a. “the internet”.

I took my smokers, landlady, trustee, cell-phone, lack of resources, black hole teaching anger and swept and mopped some floors. It was a helpful approach to release the anger constructively.

My grade 11 & 12s. Heart breaking. I have not even achieved relationship with all my efforts 😔 I also realised that one of the random texts I had received, and not very “politely” responded to – was a parent and not a child… but the message from the parent … eish! Ungaaz. I apologised profusely. Sigh. Ugh.

Grade 10s, however, there is hope.

I recalled the last two permanent teaching posts I took up. Both took three years to build up senior classes who trusted me. Somehow, I have to find the resilience, perseverance, motivation and some reason – that I just don’t have now – to keep going… single people don’t have a significant other to cheer them on. We don’t have children to live for, to keep us going; and the older I get, the more I separate from those with their own families, whose time is completely occupied to the point of exhaustion in living for their families… as it should be.

The 9 o’clock phone call from the trustee never happened – instead I received a WatsApp to babysit her parking space because the new owner might pop round as he is renovating his new bathroom. Dear Lord, please let him be a positive and helpful influence in this block. Please lift this block into a peace it has not known as yet Dear Father. Please. Thank You Lord.

Another trustee WatsApp’d that I must go and find the neighbour in the next house to discuss his health complaints against us. I email the managing agents – they know nothing. I message the trustee to send the documents. No, is the reply: The neighbour told the tenant and the tenant told her. I replied that I need the documents and proof of the charge to move the bins. Seriously.

Enough. I watched the movie “Hotel Transylvania 2”; about people living in harmony, no matter what. Arrogant male obviously never watched the movie.

Then I tried to watch the live feed on YouTube for the media conference hosted by the Department of Education. The reception through the phone was good. Many minutes and too much data later – nothing had actually been said… So here I type instead – surprise, surprise, not caring.

I have booked an appointment with a chiropractor tomorrow, so at least I can escape this space and the smokers. My posture has been straining badly with all this cell phone typing ;(

I am so so glad this was a three day week. Dear God, help me with online work next week. Help all of us.

Thank You Lord. Amen!

According to one of my WatsApp groups: teachers return to school 18 May 2020.

Grade 12 & 7 : 1st June 2020.

Dear Lord, hold us close. Thank You Father. Amen

Hate Speech Bill – South Africa Commentary / Objection needed

Dear Mr T. Ross

RE: HATE CRIMES BILL – public comment

hatecrimes@justice.gov.za

Herewith my request with regards to the “Hate Crimes Bill” currently being processed in Parliament:

• That the Bill be given far more time for scrutiny, evaluation and response by the public.
• That the definition of “Hate Crimes” is too broad and is not going to link with the Constitution for Freedom of Speech and Democracy and freedom for all. This needs to be reworked.
• The Christian Bible does not contain hate speech by way that any speech coming from a person’s mouth contains their personal choice of presentation and interpretation (as per Reader Response Theory academic studies), and any person receiving speech receives it in the tone and interpretation of their own choice. Neither the speaking, nor the interpreting, comes from an ‘inherent’ meaning in any written texts. The people speaking and hearing create their meaning, not the paper and ink.

Please address these points urgently,

Signed an EXTREMELY concerned South African citizen who wants to live in LOVE not the FEAR this “Bill” creates. We need to stop using the word “hate” and start using the word “love”. People’s hearts need to change, not more ‘crimes by law definition’ be created.

Shannan.

 

Yesterday, I received a WatsApp video from a dear Christian Friend. The clip was created by the Family Policy Institute www.familypolicyinstitutue.com. info@familyinstitutepolicy.com  In the video the gentleman asks people to send emails to the address above. He lists three things that we should email in regards to, but no instruction is given as to how we should word the email, or what we should say, or how the policy is being dealt with and what exactly the public need to contribute. I think that the policy would need to be downloaded and commented on from that perspective.

In this world of three minute media where all one does is watch and pass on via whatever social ‘feed’ is utilised, I can only pray that people will not be apathetic and think ‘someone else will do something’. Someone told me “Have faith in God, He will do something”… and all that is in my head is that that is like me saying to my class: “Right learners here is your task, please respond.”

And the class says to me: “No, Miss, we aren’t going to respond because you already know the answer and we will just wait for you to give it to us…” I don’t think that My Teacher would be very happy if I said: “Sorry God, I’ll just wait for You to do something for me.”

So, I am asking you to copy and paste the beginning of my blog and send it off to Mr T Ross. If you can work those copy and paste buttons 😉 OR, even better, download the Bill and give it a full dissertation 😉

Further to my opening, the following points have circumvented my mind a few times…

1) Have the other faiths been included? As the references to homosexuality are in the Old Testament, and the Old Testament is shared by the Jews, Muslims and Christians, are all the faiths defending their Scriptures?

2) Reader Response Theory. Has this been consulted and dealt with? This is the academic way of thinking that has gone into the reasoning that no text within itself has any definitive meaning. The meaning is created by the people who use the text, through their own personal choices and applications of the text. In other words, a human’s personal experience will create the feelings, tones, individual means of expression and intonation patterns, based purely on themselves as individuals and not on a set of words in a book.

3) I’d like to extend my thanks to those with legal minds and legal training who are stepping up in defense of a Book that holds stories more than 2000 years old. In a world that is becoming more and more apathetic, it is indeed good news to know that they are out there making the difference that those of us in the other spheres of service can’t. Thank-you for your training, your proactive behaviour and for stepping out as missionaries in the field of law. God is Good.

I have been pondering the scenario and I would like to lift up this blog as a prayer to those fighting for the integrity and historical context of The Word of God. In no way should a 21^st century law be able to condemn or twist or take out of its authentic context, a Book of Stories that is part of something from 2000 years ago, a provision of the only constant stability in a world that is becoming more unstable and inconstant by the day. Literally.

For those wanting to condemn 2000 year old words as hate speech, I would have to ask why? The Old Testament was around during the Ancient Greek and Roman times when there was even pottery created with pictures of gay men doing their thing on it. Promiscuity and homosexuality are things that have been around for as long as the Bible has been, yet never in 2000 years has any human law placed Christianity in the context of ‘hate speech’… so why would a ‘more secure’, ‘more modern’, ‘more open and accepting’ society take more offense and have less ability to accept what the generations before it created? It is not the words in the Bible that are the problem, but the people who choose how they use the words and/or interpret the words . . . One who is STABLE and SECURE in WHO THEY ARE and WHAT THEY BELIEVE will never be shaken by anything outside of themselves, because they are STABLE and SECURE. It’s an inner peace. I love my inner peace. God is Good.

In the modern 21^st century people are seen to be more civilised and more educated. No-one is a gladiator anymore, the Dark Ages of Medieval Religious battles have been (sadly are not altogether gone) and the days of burning people at the stake didn’t last either, all for excellent reason; BUT the BIBLE has lasted, it has stayed, it has outlived violence, treachery, scandal, plagues and even Roman Empires where the words of the emperors, and their statues and buildings have not survived as impeccably as the Word of God, known as The Bible, has.

Still, as we are told, there will be persecutors, those who do not see and do not understand. I pray that those holding up The Word of God will be blessed with His Provision, His Words, His perfect timing and Perfect Inspiration in whatever way or form is needed to ensure that The Word survives just another bump in its eternal Road. I pray for all those involved, that The Light might be turned on inside them so that they can realise the necessity of The Word of God to bring people to Soul Peace and one-on-one interaction and engagement with a truly personal Father in Heaven. I pray that the Lord will insure that the integrity and awesomeness of His Text will not be discredited in any way that would stop potential followers from believing. I pray that all who are unhappy, insecure and broken in themselves find an AWESOME way within themselves to reach their balance, security and stability, and that they realise that this cannot and will not be affected, effected, created or broken by mere paper and ink.

I pray God’s Will Be Done and His Glory be once again Outstanding in the most incredible ways as His Story continues to unfold, and He continues to be victorious in every way.

I pray this in absolute faith that our Good God hears, knows and acts in Amazing Ways!

Amen!

“Happy Easter”, The Story… prayers that we eventually ‘get it’

So I missed church this morning, I’ll have to go to another church tonight … I missed the repeat of the ritual that happens every year… why do humans repeat, repeat, repeat??? Year in and year out – the same, the same… Dwelling on man’s cruelty in one of the most inhumane, ghastly, revolting and painful forms of execution in our known history… Horrific… and yet, each year people use it to ‘renew’ their strength, ‘renew’ their belief… how solid is your belief in the first place if you have to renew it every year through another’s pain? Human strength – minimal… human memory – so under-developed… human action – such a contradiction to Soul-Will.

We live as these humans, reminding ourselves that we are weak (or pretending that we are not), living the fact that we have poor memories, lazy brains and a minimal ability to commit and be in and of something good, and bigger than ourselves and our little isolated lives, completely, at all times. Every year, for the past 3 years I have attended the Easter services and taken the journey again and again – all left me gutted at the end. Tears, agony, heart-wrenching, soul-wrenching pain within me, every year. I can’t fathom how man can be so very cruel and insecure and unstable. I can’t get my being around the level of hate in people; and subservience to human’s futile power so far as to slowly and brutally kill other people, without justifiable or rational cause or reason. It kills me inside to know humans had to suffer in the way the Romans made them suffer. And still, people sit there in pews each year, watching and listening to the fact and many seem to be completely unmoved; like it’s the most ‘normal’ and expected story out there… I cry. I cry for the unemotional, unfeeling people watching. I cry for my lost soul. I cry for the pain of that human called Jesus, and that I know I cannot even begin to empathise with Him, because nothing I have ever felt or lived through could possibly compare or be linked to the story and/or experiences of Jesus Christ. Nothing. To selflessly put away the human ego, to sacrificially serve something good without harming anyone else or demeaning any others, but instead to ask that they be forgiven… such humility, such Grace, such awesomeness seems so very far away from this life, from my exponential weaknesses, self-pity and self-absorption.

Every time I watch an Easter recount, read the story and/or remember His journey, I ache inside. I ache for the ‘lost-ness’ and fear in man. For the ‘religious’ sects that still practice hurting others to make themselves feel more ‘powerful’ and ‘in control’; as if being humanly ‘powerful’ means anything in the context of eternity. Such insecurity everywhere, such fear, such hurt and pain in the world today; 2000 years ago and all the decades’ in-between. I ache for the ‘lost-ness’ inside myself, the feeling of being helpless to do anything to change men’s hearts and minds to action ‘love’ instead of ‘fear’. To desire companionship instead of control and dictatorship, love instead of hate.

The Easter story is one that takes the deficiencies of humanity and puts them on a pedestal to show the world how capable of practicing absolutely cruelty man is. I hate it. I hate that a group of adult men could be so insecure around one lone man that they would deem it ok to torture him in horrific manners without relief.

We are supposed to have learnt from the story, yet we haven’t. We are told the story year after year, shown that man’s earthly desires cannot effect eternity, that good will win, and love and hope will rise. Yet, Muslims are still torturing others, that sect in middle Africa ‘Barak’ whatever it is, is still causing hell for innocent people, the Middle East is still stoning women to death, Korea is still practicing political executions, xenophobia in Africa, drug dealers, cigarette companies, gangs in most cities around the world, gun-crime, knife-crime, self-hate, soul’s so very lost… it’s all here and flourishing. It’s like this story we have been hearing for almost 2000 years has not meant anything to billions who have heard it. The story that displays everything meaningless in the desire for power, the desire for inequality, the hypocrisy of human belief against human action… all of it… it was so very messed up then, and ,2000 years later, it doesn’t feel like it’s much better… but Thank-You LORD, Thank-You that we are slowly moving to a better place where we at least we have Human Rights and an underlying acknowledgement that we need to start loving each other and stop hating each other… maybe the upcoming generation can see the hell their parents have and are causing; the pain, the hurt and the anguish. Instead of keeping up the generational curse, maybe they can put an end to it; for no good, joy or love comes out of belittling, reducing, demeaning and/or killing others. The only result of pretending you are more ‘powerful’ and/or ‘right’ than others is a spotlight on your own deep, deep fears, hurts, pains, anxieties and your lies – your lies to yourself that you serve something ‘good’, your lies to yourself that you are ‘making the world ‘cleaner’’. Their actions show that they are incredibly scared and insecure and trying to make the insanity of this world their Mecca, the insanity of hate for their ‘god’ their purpose… instead of the love, peace, humility, forgiveness, beauty, patience, respect and glory that eternity placed on a cross.

“Happy Easter” to you and yours {though the ‘happy’ part is so debatable at present}, and to everyone around the world. May we all make a chosen and disserted effort to step out in Love and knowing that we are responsible for using our lives and actions to tell the world who we are and what we want our eternity to be. God Bless.

14.4.14 – “Class”… upper or lower? Where’s my fit?

I have long pondered the realms of my existence and how much it differs with others and their existence. I have pondered class difference, and how this word ‘class’ can / should be defined, and how people use it to stereotype and box other human beings. I have worked with cleaners, C.E.O.s, managers, labour force and such a wide variety of ‘class’, ‘intelligence’, ‘social’ and ‘political’ mix-ups and combinations in my short life. Now it appears to me that the options for ‘being a human being’ are truly expansive and extend beyond the realms of what most people see in their limited vision, restricted space and ritualistic lifestyles.

I fall into a ‘middle-class’ monetary bracket and have reached a highish level in the academic echelons. I interact with many who are on anti-depressants, many who are not happy with life and are searching for more. Outside of private conversation, around the dinner table, conversations often revolve around booze, sport, sexual innuendo, work and travel. I am there, I can contribute, but mostly I just listen and wonder what is going on with their souls. I feel like I do not fit because my focus in life is not, nor has it ever been about, pleasing my body alone, or this world I live in. I don’t have ‘sex’ stories or enough “we were so drunk…” stories to contribute anything that would interest many people. So I sit and listen and hear my own inner voice saying: “surely this isn’t it?” Then the night will wear on as I sit. Somehow souls end up next to me and in one evening I’ll go from a philosophical conversation on acceptance, even though the person doesn’t have the words to tell me what they mean, but give me a: “you get what I’m saying…”. A second topic on relationships and affairs and whether or not it is worth getting married, which couples appear to be working, which not: “I think they are working, but I can’t put my finger on why, but you know what I mean…” “He’s having affairs, but if his wife doesn’t find out it’s ok, I won’t tell her, know what I mean…” Third, “I only have one tot in a long glass, so I always have litres of water every night, it’s good, you know what I mean…” The examples are endless… but similar, without being able to say what they mean – you know what I mean…

No, I don’t know what they mean. I don’t understand why they would play sport to keep their bodies fit and young, but feed themselves alcohol (a.k.a. hospital wound disinfectant) which destroys their bodies. I don’t know why you would promote marriage, enter marriage, but have affairs and forthrightly act to destroy that marriage. Why be out to please every single person, get accepted by everyone, but you cannot accept yourself? You cannot love yourself? Contradiction after contradiction after contradiction. This is great skin cream / make up for staying young, so why are you smoking to cause aging?

I reflect on this and know that the response to faith is similar too, “I don’t quite… but you know what I mean…” Do the ‘upper’ circles passing judgments and comments all over the place really know what they mean? Do they know they live in permanent contradiction? If they did, surely they would correct themselves and have the words to express it and leave nothing open to “whatever you are interpreting it to be” or “I believe ‘a’ and practice ‘b’, get my drift, nudge nudge…”. I hear no solid answers, no concrete: “This is what I mean, and this is what I’m standing for and living by.” Is it a polite thing? Is it an “I don’t want to be excluded” thing? Is it an “I want to accepted” thing? Or is it a genuine: “I have no idea” thing? Is it a coping method? It appears to me as a polite nothingness in the upper middle arena, whereas the lower arena of people, as crude as they often seem to be, seem to know what they mean, and seem to contradict themselves less. They are also more forthcoming with gratitude and awe and stories of faith and life where hands have gotten dirty and life has been lived in its rawness, no politeness about it… I ponder on my observations and experiences. The lower classes, and those where each day is seen as a blessing, and words are seldom minced, versus those where each day is a labour, something not achieved, something left unsettled… there are so many mixes, so many purposes and none can be seen as ‘the best’ or ‘the right’ way, they all just are. Where do I fit? Is still the question that looms before me, it’s not in the upper, the middle or the lower arenas that are like foreign planets to each other, nor is it alone or exclusively with other ‘mis’fits…

Once again God stepped in. I returned from another ‘upper-middle-class’ function once again tossing questions in my mind and
God took me back to Tolstoy, a book I own by ‘chance’. “Confessions” 1879, pg 56: “The whole life of believers in our circle {upper class} was a contradiction of their faith, but the whole life of the working-folk believers was a confirmation of the meaning of life which their faith gave them.”

Page 56, “In contrast with what I had seen in our circle {upper class}, where the whole of life is passed in idleness, amusement and dissatisfaction, I saw that the whole life of these people {lower class} was passed in heavy labour, and that they were content with life.”

Page 57, “And I began to look well into the life and faith of these people {working class}, and the more I considered it the more I became convinced that they have a real faith which is a necessity to them and alone gives their life a meaning and makes it possible from them to live.”

Page 58, “It came about that the life of our circle, the rich and learned, not merely became distasteful to me, but lost all meaning in my eyes. All our actions, discussions, science and art, presented itself to me in a new light. I understood that it is all self-indulgence, and that to find meaning in it is impossible; while the life of the labouring people, the whole of mankind who produce life, appeared to me in its true significance.”

Having finished ‘The Artist’s Way’ now and yesterday, Palm Sunday, I began ‘The Purpose Driven Life’ once again, I continue to pursue these ideas of the meaning of life, no, the meaning of my life, the way in which I’m meant to leave my mark in some way on this planet, and how I am traveling towards the core of my purpose and my desire to be true to myself and live in love through it all… and I wonder if maybe a little of Tolstoy’s, Cameron’s, Warren’s, Walsch’s and other such souls chatted to mine before mine found its way into this body…

Why do we write? A writer shares her why…

The Stories Are Everything

I thought her post worth the ponder … maybe it is why I write too… maybe… or maybe my belief that Good Orderly Direction, is a great acronym for GOD and why we need to be creative; as creativity is the air that binds us, it is mingled in the words we try to use to communicate the incommunicable… release the frustration… share the loneliness… set our souls free…

Words, stories… they too can frustrate; and the story can never been completely told or understood by any other soul – there can be only one… Maybe ‘The Highlander’ spoke more truth than I realised…

Be blessed – be creative – let your soul leap and soar and revel, no matter what form it takes 🙂 no matter how deep the depths of the incommunicable go… create, create, create – it will alleviate 🙂
xx