“How to catch a Prince” by Rachel Hauck – ‘The Royal Wedding Series’. Page 293:
“He touched his finger to his lower lip, where the buzzing hint of her presence remained. He splashed his face again and tried to rub the buzz from his lip. When he snatched the hand towel from the bar to dry his face, the sensation of her touch had not diminished, but intensified. “Forgiven” . The word strafed his heart.”
I read that – remembering all my wishes over the last plus five years, confused over the buzz of post-kissing itchiness, for a kiss that never happened, on own my lips. How I have also been unable to wash away the burning… “buzzing” – why didn’t I think of that word?
“Esteemed guests… Thank you for being here… when I came home, broken from an intense battle, I felt I wasn’t worthy of her (his bride). So I sent her away… For over five years, she dealt with her pain alone, but through a series of divine events, we came together again… She loved me when I showed her no regard. When I rebuffed and rejected her. She loved me well. She loved me to Jesus, where I finally discovered what it meant to be a man of worth. So I want the whole world to know I love this woman!”
This hasn’t happened to me – but still, I pray for one man often, under my normal prayers my Spirit cries out for him regularly, that he would find God, Jesus’s Crucifix and Page 315 “moment by moment… become the man he’d always longed to be.”
The book ends with the Acknowledgements section… echoing my health problems and challenges and constant blockades to being able to sit and write…:
“I found myself in a physical battle while creatively struggling with this story. Not a good combination. Yet through it all, by God’s grace, I maintained my writing goals until my deadline, climbing to my office every day after a weak night of sleep, facing the page and writing despite my feelings, despite physical weakness.
As I prayed over this book, I felt the Lord would fill the “empty spaces” for each of you, telling you His own unique story to your heart. So ask Him. “Lord, what do you have for me as I read this book?”
God loves story. And He loves to speak to us through every aspect of our lives…”
“Fill the ‘empty spaces’”… bizarre how things unfold. How moments visit me and seem to be pregnant with hidden meaning and Godly presence, and then I look up from the realm of the written, the spaces imbedded books, the TV, DVDs, my imagination and all that seems to shout out about a different story to the one I’m physically living; and I don’t know which is the truth. If I am honest with myself, the quoted-above book screamed truth at me, echoed my 5 years of torment, of not being able to understand, not being able to seal and/or shut away the presence of what, if it wasn’t so ridiculous, if it was a completely different scenario, if it made any realistic sense in anyway, I would term: “Love”. At my sister’s wedding, where I was a bridesmaid, the pastor spoke of God Being Love, of marriage being a replica of that Love, how even when God isn’t physically there, you know He is, you know Love is, you can feel it, sense it, almost touch it. The pastor said that in a marriage of true love, even when the other half is not there physically, their love IS still there, their presence is still there, the Love is always there…
Other moments have happened too, that have reflected similar sentiments in echoing exactly what I am feeling / experiencing; moments that are inexplicably exact echoes of my being, my life and context. All it has served to do is pile on insecurity, being completely unsure, ridiculously doubtful, whilst at the same time, being filled with another force that holds nothing but conviction that it is truth. Conviction that it is God-incidence, part of an incredible story all for God’s Glory… which wavers under: Your wishful thinking dear?
Sitting on this fence – one side my soul and ‘fantasy’, the other side cold, hard, depression-creating ‘reality’. Which side to fall into? My being is tired and aching from 5 years in this position: squatting on a fence. If I fall into reality, it becomes lonely. If I fall into faith, it echoes imaginary, almost ‘crazy’. The few times I have fallen into one half, or the other, I’ve ended up climbing back onto the fence because I miss the other side, because my mind or heart talks me back into being up there to consider again, both sides… each side seemingly jealous of the other, but neither seeming to be able to be lived in at the same time as the other. It makes no sense. Nothing makes sense to me anymore… and The Word resounds within me that I am not ‘home’ on planet earth, that earth is not a place of peace, it is a broken world and a heavenly yearning cannot be content in worldly hells. Does my mind only think that because I have read it? Or do others know something I don’t in that they seem so busy and content and active in what I perceive as such a broken world, where I cannot find ‘contentment’ without buy-ness to ignore my discontent, unless I’m sitting with God, then it is very peaceful and joyous indeed… the cycle ravages me: God, world, God, world, and desire for the best of both, whilst the negative of both slams me in highly inconvenient moments.
I look at the book I have quoted from, I couldn’t stop reading it. I was so engorged and entrenched in it that only the ache of my tired eyes could stop me from devouring it… But it was not a well written or sensible book. It lacked in so many areas and would never reach the hierarchy of the ‘royals’ of prizewinners on the literature list of school or University teaching material. The plot: A woman loved a man and she kept on loving him well, even though he kept on denying his heart for his own selfish reasons. He kept putting his own perspectives into her mind and assuming that they were ‘truth’, when they were so far from it. He pushed through in personal torment, using imaginary perceptions of her thoughts, without (not once) even speaking to her, or asking her to confirm his thoughts and reasonings … Still she carried on loving him, intrinsically unable to stop herself, through the pain and torment and knowing that the man who was rejecting her was the one she was meant to be with…
Me? What “empty spaces” did the story relate to? Many! Maybe why I kept on reading it was because I have a similar bizarre space about someone I once met… over 5 years ago… someone who also out rightly rejected me, three times. Peter and Jesus style. This is where the confusion comes in… I know he must know his mind, himself and what he wants and does not want, who he desires and who he does not desire… As someone who loves him, I need to respect that, it is the Christian thing to do… so why? Why would a Christian book go on sale (From R170 to R35! to fit my budget!) and from picking up the poorly written novel right to the end, I could not stop reading it? I could not stop the pain, the ache, the empathy with the leading lady and the emotions involved. Is it my own thoughts being so strong and deep that they ‘attracted’ this book from the Universe to reflect my thoughts back to me? Nothing to be done, but accept: I’m still ‘working through it’? Or is it the work of God, asking me to keep waiting, to keep loving, to keep letting my subconscious pray for a man I haven’t spoken to in over 5 years? I don’t know… I hate not knowing…
On a very different level, however, if I bring in my realistic thoughts: The leading lady was a beauty pageant winner, an heiress, mountains away from my reality. He was royalty, (nothing like the man I’m just literally stuck on) and all of the story was blatantly FICTIONAL… it makes no sense to me that their interactions, their moments, would resonate with me so very deeply that it would cause my entire being to meet the pain of loss and rejection I experienced over FIVE (even that number is the same as their separation time?!?!) years ago. Am I experiencing the damage created by hope? Is this all simply pathetic effort to think I was loved, may still be loved at the intensity and unconditional level that I experienced in myself? Can such fiction extend into non-fiction at all? Especially as I have never personally experienced such fictional mutual love in any non-fictional scenario? Or is God simply using this experience once again as a parable to show me how much He loves me, so much it aches; so much for all His children that He aches daily for all those He loves who reject Him so?
I know I think too much, I know I ask too many questions, I know that many have told me to just stop thinking and asking, to just ‘accept’; but accept what? How? I look, I see, I am amazed, I am blessed, this I do know and I have many moments in the knowing of these blessings, but then there are other moments, the challenging moments, the questions, the interactions and engagements that keep me pressing on to discover more, know more, be more and not lie dormant, letting all God blessed me with sit unexplored and turning to waste.
This week, a butterfly / moth has entered my classroom and left in 3 different lessons. In all my years of teaching, this has not happened; my God symbol has not flitted into my classroom. I have also recently been gifted with a gold four-leaf clover. I have even encountered his name TWICE in very important God moments recently…
And my mind shouts as me: It’s done, he didn’t feel anything for me. It’s only my imagination fueling this horrible nonsense, stop it! … and I don’t understand why I can’t stop it, why I can’t “change my thoughts”, “attract better people”, “Practice the Law of ‘The Secret’, the ‘Law of Attraction”. It feels like something far greater than me is at work. Still, I don’t understand why; after more than five years, the signs and symbols would intensify instead of fade away… I don’t know if it is God driving it, or my imagination attracting it. I don’t know if it is my own powerful mind keeping me a prisoner to something that happened so quickly, so suddenly and so overwhelmingly, so long ago, or if it is God’s Will, God’s footprints, God’s plan for a grand story, glorifying HIM and HIS perfect eternal planning and timing down to every minute detail…
The latter would be mind-blowing to see the end of; the former would be a rational, realistic course of action and result… So, does my mind really make the decision? Or is God sending me beyond insane-to-the-human-world, because that is where He exists, loving what doesn’t deserve to be loved, giving grace to what believes it is not worth His Grace, holding and keeping everything in the ‘insanity’ (by earthly construct and socialization) of unconditional Love?
All I know is that the heart ache, the pain, the longing, the confusion, the revisiting of what I haven’t been able to go beyond and get out of has been in full, overpowering, soul-wrenching force this last week – and it almost did me in; almost.
Lord, please, bring me to the end of the confusion. Help me stop thinking and just accept You and trust You, not this world. Please Father, please. Thank You Lord. Amen.