Can I? Should I? Is it wise? Have I read anything ‘right’? Am I making things up? What is the truth?
Once again, I was hit with another lightning moment with a single, young guy… it was unexpected in its intensity and once again, knocked me into the arena of “what the heck to I do with this?” especially as I got it so horribly wrong the last time it happened. Sure enough, to my absolute horror and astonishment, the whole expansion of my heart, the lust, the heart jumps, the anticipation, joy, conflict, confusion, and the everything that happened the last time repeated itself beat for beat. Thankfully, on the one hand, the universe moved and there was no Christmas party this time. Sadly, on another hand, he left the office and this time I didn’t… so I am stuck with memories and an empty space that I have to work through. Hence, I am working through the same things all over again in unrequited feelings and moments that I have to filter out of my system again, not that I completely managed to the first time… anyway, that’s a different story. So there is frustration at having to live through this all over again.
I sat this morning and wasted over 2 hours writing WhatsApp messages that I just sent to myself on my other phone. I can’t send what I want to him, as I learnt last time, because my honesty makes me look psycho and guys don’t like being confronted with raw truth and feelings from a girl. I can only assume, but I think that maybe they are right and I make everything up in my head… even though I go through everything and can’t find anything faulty that I did, except be honest… As I can’t see myself, there must be something else in the mix, but as communication lines aren’t open, I’ll never know, so I won’t be able to work on whatever my flaw / fault / unacceptable behaviour is and make it less intimidating / hurtful / whatever… tough one … and it makes sense that I am probably going to end up in the psycho box again. So I’ll just message myself and pray through the ridiculous number of times this being pops into my brain each day – so unhelpful!
Anyway, the Universe gave me loads of phone data for the week, so I ended up watching some video-links that friends have sent me… underneath a YouTube memorial song screen for a Nashville singer, there was a link to a chap by the name of Boggs – and he is a relationship coach… So I am like, why not… and I click on his YouTube video: To be attractive – Girls should be: 1) Passionate, as in full of energy when they do things and show enthusiasm… um, anyone who knows me, knows that I give my all in a sometimes reserved, but joyous way. I’ve even been told that I should be less reserved because God’s lamp should not be hidden, but I should be a like a light from a city on a hill… 2) Playful, well, heh heh, I have a childlike sense of humour and I am the one who will start singing in a store, or dancing when a good song comes on. Maybe I could be more playful, but it all depends on the context and a business office where my workload, schedule and fatigue are what they are, this is difficult… Lastly, positive, and that I am, I have a natural tendency to see the best in a situation and not make it out to be something dramatic or over the top. So, in listening to his talk, I was just confused as to why the two guys that rocked my world, left it all topsy turvey and sqwiff and nonsensical…
Next things Mr Bogg advises ladies to do is: Challenge him, Respect him, be aligned with him in that you naturally and automatically get along, be unpredictable and be excited about yourself, life and your relationship and activities. In yet another video, Bogg recommends: Laugh. I do. Your laughing at things makes others receptive to you. Smile. I do. A smile creates the best chemicals inside everyone involved. Honest. Say what? That’s the one that has put me in so much trouble and created fear in men. Red. Wear red. Well, I do, that’s never made a difference with anyone. Mirror and match. Sigh, this is the reason I left sales. Manipulation at such an intense level, that I couldn’t do it. I can’t do it. Looking at the list of 10 things a girl ‘should be’ and ‘should have’, I’m only lacking one, and that’s with integrity, I believe anyway…
So I go to another line of different videos, the ones Boggs puts his focus on the guy… what are Men’s hidden insecurities: 1) Being seen as weak for having emotions and showing tears. 2) For being seen as inadequate, or a ‘fraud’; for not knowing the answer or the best way to get through / work through / do something. 3) Not being physically able to provide for a woman’s needs. 4) Not having the ‘right’ body, jawline, amount of hair and the like. 5) Being seen as a coward for feeling fear, which means that men will isolate themselves so that they don’t have to face or deal with their fear by pretending everything is ok. This then loops into making things worse, because things aren’t dealt with. Many men are afraid to say that they are afraid. All of these points, I found completely understandable. Yet, many men have done the opposite and spoken to me about these things… just chilling as humans together, or on WatsApp or Facebook messages… so I guess these factors are there, but I think men are slowly working through them and that’s good.
So, I take in these points and think fair enough. So what are Mr Bogg’s thoughts on establishing whether or not a guy adores a girl, pushing all his possible insecurities to the side: 1) He actively pursues you – ok, I haven’t experienced that in about 12 years. 2) He is present with you when he is with you, no phone, no distractions, no checking out other girls to upgrade to – nope, I haven’t experienced that. 3) He puts the maximum amount of investment into you. He doesn’t go cheap on his creativity, his time or what he remembers about you. Eish, I have another no. 4) Focuses on you, remembers what you say, pays attention and cares enough to ask back on that family member, that job search, that friend… etc… Heh heh, no… 5) He wants to progress, wants to make sure you aren’t dating anyone else… no… I suppose at a third of the way through the list, it’s kind of clear that my psycho interpretations of whether or not a guy is interested in me are rather warped, and untrue. It’s just tough when it’s all in your own mind and you can’t bounce it off the person, because it ends up making things so awkward. Sigh.
6) He’s vulnerable with you. Finally! That one I have experienced, purely by where God placed me in the moment and actually nothing to do with his choice in the matter, so I guess it doesn’t qualify. It’s just God using His Light in me to be His angel in the vulnerable moment. 7) Publically shows affection. No, that has only possibly happened when guys have been drunk and it is a very uncomfortable feeling, so I think my back off sign is HUGE on my forehead in those scenarios. 8) He’s happy to be with you even when you are not looking or feeling your best. Funny one this, because with living on campus for University and being a boarding mistress, we’re all super cool with no-one being ‘polished’ in their appearance and just being themselves. An add on to this is that he is happy to be your shoulder to cry on. I’ve only really needed that once, and he was a gem, otherwise, my context hasn’t created an opportunity around any guy. My female friends, they have certainly seen me in tears many a time! 9) He’s willing to be influenced by me… Well, I don’t know the answer to that, guys don’t tell me if they are or aren’t. I can only hope that some Holy Spirit rubs off. Oh, wait, I do remember one guy telling me that I am like a Fairy with lots of fairy dust and no-one can leave my presence without having permanent fairy dust left on them. That was such a wonderful thing to be told. 10) Mentions me in his future plans… no. 11) Remembers little things. Not really. Men forget. 12) My comfort is important to him. Yes! YAY! This has happened with two guys. Yay, someone cared. Oh greatness, this was not a ‘fun’ exercise for me at all. 13) Offers to help and does, even if it is inconvenient. Yes! Three guys have done this, that I can remember. Most of the ones I have encountered are absolutely self-absorbed and completely self-orientated, they don’t even think to think of someone else, never mind help them if its inconvenient to themselves. 14) Pleases me… this doesn’t apply to me. 15) There is no doubt in your mind that he’s into you. Ha ha ha! Well, I would have put my head on a block at the time, but many moons later, it is obvious that I was completely wrong, so this is hardly a point I can work with. Ugh.
So, Boggs reckons the reason I am single is most likely because of a deep inner fear that I’m not enough and I won’t be loved… I think there is truth in this if I look at family history and what I have worked through. If I look at University context, friends who are pretty much in the out-of-sight-out-of-mind line due to getting through their stressful lives, then love isn’t the unconditional there either. Boggs then also points to the “Shame” factor. I am pretty sure I don’t have that one, but I can think of a whole bunch of hoodie wearing individuals who qualify for this reason for being single. Carrying such a weight, man, ‘shame’ is a horrid, horrid thing.
So this then made me realise, I have made up a whole lot of things and actually what my imagination put so much context onto was really just that – a figment of my over-active imagination. So then, time to put my big-girl-panties on and face Boggs’ list of “7 signs that he is not that into you”… Stepping into this list with a heavy heart, would mean that I must know the answer already: 1) He is inactive, he is not making plans that include me – true. He’s game to reply, or get on board if I organise, but he is not going to be putting in any effort from his side – true. 2) Once again, the distracted card came up as the flip side from adoring me, he is ‘not present’. 3) He’s ‘breadcrumbing’ me – which means he is going cheap, making the minimum effort and is really not interested in being in my company on his own, without other people around. True. 4) He’s self-absorbed and self-focused, tick! 5) He is only hot when it’s convenient for him, and cold when a better option is on his cards. 6) He is ‘stagnant’ man who doesn’t want his ‘norm’ to change – that’s super true! And finally 7) You cannot tell if he is interested or not.
So looking at the ‘he’s not that into you’ list, it simply confirmed the opposites on the ‘he adores you’ list; which leaves me having to face the reality of the situation of me and how my life story has unfolded… the pathway to being a spinster and living for God, is kind of where the Universe has put me. If I look through the rest of the videos, then it seems that if I didn’t trust God, then I would be out manipulating and using the “melt his heart texts” list, or the “make him want you” list. Why would anyone set out to ‘make someone like them’, if God wanted it to happen, then surely the list of 15 adoration signs would be natural? Or is it the case that the woman needs to be the one to overcome her insecurities (which I reckon is probably a longer list than the guys’) and then work to help him overcome his too; whilst manipulating him to like / want her? Man, that is so much flipping work! Dear Lord, I can’t believe that I would have to do all that if YOU Willed the union, I really can’t.
Bogg’s advises, that to get a guy, a girl needs sass and confidence, she needs to get rid of her posse of girlfriends to give him the chance to make a move and finally, if that doesn’t work, then get near him in his ‘circumference of conversation’ so the opening lines can happen, but don’t go after him and pursue him relentlessly, because then he can’t be a man; you’ve taken his role… If you get past all the sassiness required, and pub dance around getting him to you or you to him, like that isn’t exhausting enough, and you finally get his number and get into dating, then 1) Admire him. Yes, no, ok, really? Surely, I shouldn’t have to make up forced ‘admiration’, I’m guessing that all this has to be genuine and sincere? Boggs affirms that surface level compliments get surface level relationships. 2) Make him feel unique and separate. Isn’t that ego boosting? I guess we do need to do that for each other, but can’t we boost Spirit as well? 3) Compliment his competency. Hmmmm, I would have to find a competent guy then… heh heh. I don’t think my comment will go down well. Funny!
Then, if I want him to want me… apparently I need to engage in conversations that cover what he needs to do to qualify to get me. I need to empower him and let him know that he is being productive and he is making me feel loved and that, due to him, I am experiencing and feeling good things. Finally, give him a pet name – heh heh.
So, all this advice, and I just can’t force myself to cover the one point over all of this: There is no doubt in me… I prayed years ago, that I want no doubt and my issues of trust still run very, very high. Bring on the day I don’t doubt and I do trust.
I looked at a final Boggs video and I am glad I did. He advises girls to walk away. Leave him alone for 90 days, grieve the relationship, forgive and release all that you need to for yourself and for him. Decide to draw the line. Decide you want something better. Decide to take that new slate. DECIDE – Latin for ‘cut away from the old’- to anticipate good things for yourself every day. The story Boggs used here was asking his client if she believed in a Higher Power, which she did. So he said to her – then you only have two options: 1) Your God will give you something worse than what you are letting go of OR 2) He will give you something better. What do you think God would do? DUH, better.
GOD’S GOT SOMETHING BETTER IN STORE FOR YOU. MAKE THE DECISION TO DO WHAT YOU HAVE ALWAYS WANTED TO DO.
I chose the Boggs videos, because he was real and there seemed to be some truth in his words. I can only hope that those watching them have a context of love and healthy self-esteem and are not desperate, that they have taken the time to get to know and love themselves; and that what they are ‘trying to force’ isn’t the wrong thing to force. There were other videos I watched, one woman in particular, scared me. If teens get hold of her advice, then they are going to be sending smutty WatsApp messages and opening every single door for manipulation through temptation on very dangerous ground. The possible outcomes and destruction that could evolve may result permanent damage for the rest of their lives, which, for me, is unthinkably horrific. Dear Lord, be with them, give them Your wisdom not to walk along a road that is going to cause pain and unfixable damage. Amen.
So where does this little exercise leave me? Even more reliant on God, because I have yes’s and no’s and maybe’s for every list. I also have no desire to be the only one making an effort in any relationship going further than just friends. It doesn’t stop me thinking about a person far too much and being distracted. It doesn’t take away the fact that I have to live through this process all over again. BUT this time I am not going to be baring my soul to someone who doesn’t want to know; and I am going to keep on keeping on with WatsApping myself – until I tire of it, or see how sad they make me look – and pushing all the motivational screenshots and quotes I can onto my WatsApp Status, because, the fact that people need coaches to have relationships in this day and age, shows me that more people need Jesus than ever and I know my motivational posts are going to help someone, because there would be no relationship coaches and gurus if people were following the greatest and highest Power for the guidelines to a healthy and well-lived life. Here’s to not knowing the answers and living through the process to become a better me for the next round. D.V. – Deo volente (Latin for God willing!). Goodness knows I am too inconsistent and unreliable to make these huge life decisions without a Higher, Consistent and Awesome Power guiding me. Amen.
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