Day 47… a challenging Locked Down Day in SA

Sleep didn’t really happen last night – odd dozing pattern – Rescue and Panado. I have a serious twitch in my spine that is causing serious headaches. I need to go back to the chiropractor.

My alarm didn’t go off on time, so it is a lucky thing that it is only me taking out the bins. We had two bins less trash than normal. Looks like the ban on booze is also helping to create less refuge. The pro’s of the lockdown for nature have been phenomenal across the globe… I headed down and moved the bins in front of the gate; queuing them to take them out, there was barely space for a car. Sure enough the medical practitioner from the 4th floor came down to her car. Sat in it for two bin movements from Eastern fence to the Southern gate. Then she somehow, I have no idea how, managed to get her little car between the wall and the bins. The gate didn’t open quickly enough so she had opened her car door to complain to me with yet another big wheelie bin in my hand. Then she realised the gate was working so she got into her car and drove off to work. I then opened the gate to take the bins out; and the guys who go through the bins helped me by taking them into the road.

07h45 ish, I headed out the property on an hour 10 minute-odd walk. The entertainment for my walk was a very loud guy walking with two other guys. The loud guy did not keep quiet at all! It was unbelievable that someone could talk that much. I was grateful that it was only about 800m that I was subjected to the noise and opinions. At a large road, it used to be Marriott Road, no idea what “Problem” name it has now. Any who, the road runs up for a very long kill at about 45 degrees, one of the roads where you have to drop gears. Anyway, this young guy is running up the road with a full, round car tyre tread attached by a rope to his waist. He had been up and down the road 6 times already. He said he had to do it because he had been locked up too long! I think his frustration is matched by a huge chunk of the South African population. Today, I felt it, the claustrophobia, the purposeless helplessness, in such a huge way. I couldn’t shake the incredibly dark cloud that consumed my subconscious today. It was so horrid. It didn’t help that it was rubbish collection day. I have never walked on a Tuesday morning before. Bags and bags and more smelly bags everywhere. My mind was working through where all the waste goes? Then more men all along the way ripping open the filthy bags for the “treasures” they seek in the vomit-inducing smells. I recalled all the waste of past walks, left rubbish in corners and behind electricity hubs… it is not the people throwing away the rubbish who are causing the filth in the streets, it is the people inbetween the movement from the home to the garbage truck who are leaving the rot. It is all just such a helpless cycle – a severely depressing one.

I returned to my block. 9am and garbage still there, but messy around the bins now, so I went down with a glove to put it in the bins. I felt bad, someone had left an open meal – I think 🤷‍♀️ – on the tarmac with a spoon. I lifted it up to the top of the rubbish in the bin – why didn’t that person just find someone and give them the food? Why leave it on the tarmac? I don’t understand people.

I tried not to touch things in my flat for my grade 9 lesson. Unfortunately, after breakfast and my array of tablets, the WiFi wouldn’t connect – so I was late for class. Then the connection kept cutting out, so it looked like I wasn’t teaching. Eventually, I managed to go stay connected. I also tried to get one of my radio adverts into the Google Classroom and NOTHING worked, so I could not use them as examples. So frustrating. Thank the Lord I spent about two hours (roughly) prepping yesterday, or it would have been a bigger disaster. Once again, the juniors were asking for a Zoom Lesson. How can some have so much data and others not even a device? This is such a ridiculously unbalanced, unequal, heart-breaking life in so many ways. Most likely, because I didn’t have written quiet time with God – it made it all the worse.

To top it off the rubbish collection guys arrived as the lesson started… and guess what? Guess how long the empty bins sat out in the road? Over an hour – that is how long. Until I went down to collect them to clean. Once again the lady from the first floor and the very elderly ex-teacher helped me. The lady from the first floor works at a Nursery school. So the three people in the profession of education still doing all the work. The irony in the global picture – teachers doing all the work to get learners through… microcosm meets macrosm. Once again BMW man sauntered past barely acknowledging the three ladies. No lady friend with him today though.

Back upstairs for a full shower and hair wash. Even scrubbing, as their was seriously vomit-inducing smells today… and the flipping smell followed me all day. I even put double the washing tablets into the machine. Oi vey that machine 🤦‍♀️🙀 it sounds like a giant piece of wood is clubbing the interior as the spin builds up. It is quite frightening. I have no idea what level will allow me to buy a new one, or when I will find the time.

I hung the washing after my Grade 8 lesson and then had to try and escape myself, the smells, the helplessness. (Whilst typing this I had to move away from the window because of expletive beneath me neighbour.)

I headed to La Lucia and did a shop – so much is not available. It is a frustrating first world problem indeed. The number of beggars at the traffic lights has escalated greatly too – which just created more depression. This looming desire to just escape all the inequality and suffering. This earth does not deserve humans. Lord, what were You thinking?

Then I tried to get out of the parking at the mall… the machines are only accepting tap cards and cards in the machines. 4 machines later with two rejections of my credit card, I eventually paid for parking. I went straight to the nearby bank branch; petrified someone had hacked my card. Thank You Lord! It was fine. Now I have to park in free parking. So annoying. Once again, a silly, silly, silly first world problem!

I drove passed my mom’s and dropped off a pot plant of beautiful red flowers for her. Her belated Mothers’ Day gift. We chatted into the darkness of the early setting sun. She echoed all the frustrations of people who are stuck in their homes, not knowing where their next meal is coming from. The rate-payers association are trying to get rates reduced because people need to eat. My mom mentioned a huge altercation that happened in Ballito where security arrested the adults, and left the kids there, after the dad screamed and fought for his son to be let go – apparently the footage has gone viral… I think it is better that I am in my little bubble. Frustrations of teaching as I am are enough. The garbage and tenants are enough. I can feel the sadness, struggle and suffering of the world without the TV, Facebook and other media movements feeding it. Even Twitter are now filtering the feeds as their is too much fake news causing problems through their app.

Dear Father God, help me seek You, for nothing else makes sense, nothing else can take away the helplessness, nothing else can sustain me like You do. Thank You Father, Thank You Lord. Amen!

Day 37 lockdown diary South Africa Corona

Saturday Sabbath

I awoke dazily, took my time.

Baked delicious scones.

Journalled. Praying for my sore throat to go.

Checked WatsApp.

Made ginger, honey, lemon rooibos tea.

Read another chapter of Jo Saxton’s “The Dream of You”. So much of her life-story, her “loss of her voice”, resonates with me in my confusions over purpose and life.

Slept. Life in lock down has clearly exhausted me. Lunch time dozes are unheard of in my life. Sigh. Blessed to be able to chill for now.

Then it was back to studying “Boundaries” and learning about the “Laws of Boundaries”. Today was law #4 The Law of Respect. When someone else says they cannot, or won’t, do something, respect that within the context. If you respect others’ boundaries, they will respect yours. Such is the theory in the book anyway.

#5 Laws of Motivation. Why do you do the good you do? If it is for service first and freedom second, then you are most likely miserable… if your motivations for why you say “yes” to things look something like this:

Fear of losing love. Fear of abandonment. Fear of another’s anger. Fear of loneliness. Fear of losing the “good” you. Guilt. Trying to pay back for blessings you have received. Trying to win approval and/or acknowledgment. AND/OR Over-identifying with others loss…

Then you are most likely heading into bitter, resentful and depressed head space. Quote “if you serve to get free of your fear, you are doomed for failure.” (Cloud & Townsend)

You need to practise freedom first, and serving others after you are free of your fears. So I read.

#6 Law of Evaluation. You may be choosing not tell someone what is wrong and needs to be dealt with, if so, then that is when you need to evaluate your reasoning. If we don’t share our anger, hurt and pain with the other, then bitterness and hatred can set in. We need confrontations and truth to grow. Wisdom is learnt through pain, thus what can hurt can also help. Many times, choosing not to push into the hurt of challenging conversations causes more harm than anything else in the world could…

So went my studies today…

There were a lot of relevant points for me. I took them in and will try and apply them when the doors of challenge open up in my life.

After an afternoon of WatsApp messages, friends with ad hoc WiFi issues and phone calls and things to ponder… it was a difficult afternoon to process how incredibly unfair this earthly life seems. Things are thrown at so many people and they have to push through. A friend whose husband had his brain tumour return during this Corona madness and it is inoperable. Another friend with incredible children and her family barely have coins to rub together; her mothering decade has been spent trying to gather ways to home school her children without a coin to put towards it. Another friend who my heart breaks for, the number of tragedies and traumas she has faced over two decades it just makes no sense. My little winges, moans and self battles are NOTHING connected to what others face. I can, however, be grateful that there is one common factor between all four of us. God’s Grace and provision each day; uniquely, purposefully, personally and hopefully, without fail. To each of us, several mountains have been placed before us, and the darker our day, the greater the testimony. God stands beside each of us personally and completely. There is no self-pity, no cascading bitterness in any of the conversations with any of us. Only a laugh at the one branch of hope in the story, a smile of acknowledgment at the multitude of blessings received around the traumatic stories, and the light of courage that shines so inspirationally from the stories of these incredible people.

Tonight I salute all who walk in courage. Who seek and find the good, no matter what. I am in awe and blessed to see and know people who take such trauma and hardship with their hand in that of Our Father in Heaven. I pray miraculous healing where God’s Hand is sought, and a peace beyond human comprehension to show the Glory of The Life Force in us all. I pray that God gives all those in pain a good understanding of The Law of Evaluation, that more harm is created in dishonest silence than in honestly spoken truth. Amen!

 

 

“Good” Friday… what’s “good” about it?

“Good” Friday.

I woke up this morning, wondering what was so “good” about it? Amidst other demons I fight daily, – most being birthed from my decision to live a “Christian” life in the real-intended way – a looming one at this time of year is the pain found in true empathy with the facts from the history of this day. A day that confirms that human beings within themselves are not trustworthy – voting for a murderer, instead of an innocent man, to be set free. Inventing such a thing as Crucifixion – horrendous! What revolting beings some humans must be to invent something so barbarically cruel and torturous to do to another human being; and then act on it. This group of beings who fit into the same category as I do: “Human”, taking a leader, teacher, compassionate, loving and miracle-enacting-man and crucifying Him. Then in that Crucifixion process – in His moments of excruciating pain – He asks that those behaving diabolically be: “Forgiven, because they know not what they do.”

So what is “Good” about today? The example. The headline news that others do not have to control our hearts and minds. That no matter the pain, the hurt, the suffering, the emptiness, the loneliness, the desperate agony created by that which cannot be undone, we can be free of it all in Spirit. We can forgive. We can cast aside our selfishness – the only thing which is keeping us in pain and conflict and everything negative – and we can rise above that pain with empathy to understand that those who inflict the pain upon us do not know what they are doing. They have not chosen to rise above themselves, they have not chosen to leave behind all their negativity so they can be free. The pain and hurt, nightmares and bad, bad, bad karma that awaits them and their children and all the blind descendants beyond them, who will receive worse punishment and more prolonged agony than anything their predecessor ever felt in the moment of killing or harming another. One moment to pierce and break a man, a lifetime (and beyond, as your children and grandchildren will be changed negatively by your prolonged inability to see) to live with it.

What is “good” is that The Man, through indescribable pain and torture, still understood, empathised and acknowledged that He was more than what the ignorant made Him out to be. He was more than what He had been reduced to. His contentment, peace and ability to love from a position that encouraged none of the three, cried out in truth within itself, because no hero story was ever written where the hero was left completely defiled and alone with not one person staying or intervening with a climax plan to save the hero from death. What is unbelievable about the story? The hero did not fight, or defend or attack, He simply stayed in his truth.

What is ‘good’ is the truth of the reactions of the participants in the story – it reflects humans who live in fear, humans who run around scared, unable to be constant, able to deny their truth and fabricate stories to help their minds eliminate their guilt by making up such tales as to justify their behaviour that has made a situation worse and not better.

What is “good” about the story, is that it is too real and too honest to be passed over. It is a story where the people who wrote it could have claimed glory for themselves, but they did not. Matthew, Mark, Luke, John, James and Paul all admitted guilt, all accepted and wrote about their denials, their deficiencies, their guilt and the fact that they were scared, confused, afraid, lost and all that ‘heroes’ and ‘great authors’ would not proclaim themselves to be when writing about something as incredibly honourable as being a ‘chosen one’ to witness a resurrection. They wrote of their truth as humans, and took no credit for anything they did, but all suffered torturous deaths in the end to serve the one they denied.

The ‘good’ of the day, is that it shows me that the hurt, the pain, the suffering, the doubt, the confusion, the need for help and to have cups taken away from me, are not only struggles within me, they are a part of the human journey. Centuries of it, still unchanged: That the suffering must be, but how I react to it, how I live through it, how I fall and forgive and weep are all part of the story, and if I choose well, I will also rise again. I just wish I hadn’t been so exhausted through the years of living this truth. May we all continue to find HIS energy to rise again and beyond the tortures of being human.

Shall we still be forgiven; because we “now know what we do”? … And God says we shall… What is good? GRACE.

Part ONE: If you are a ‘victim’ of divorce, don’t read this

By fascinating twists of fate/God, I ended up at a “Singles’ Evening” last Friday night. Following a church leaflet, an art exhibition and then personally knowing the organiser, by the end of the week I had promised I would come along ‘to keep the organiser company’. Walk into the event and bam these guys arrive at your side and introduce themselves… it was rather weird to have guys I didn’t know just ‘appear’ out of nowhere all of a sudden. Anyway, one in particular ended up being around for most of the night, and being a meet and greet in a Christian capacity, I naturally told loads of stories about the awesomeness of God in my life and how different my journey is to all the ‘traditional’ followers and ‘church/pastor-guided’ followers. How I take the “God and the Spirit are IN ME” more seriously than ‘they are in someone-else, whose soul I can’t see for real’… I shared, he asked loads of questions and I answered. I listened to his story about himself, and then, as was the point of the exercise, I drew a symbol on his name card in order to ‘represent’ him, according to what I had heard. I won a prize because one of the organizers couldn’t believe how spot on I was after such a brief interaction… So, the evening continued with a dance class and I ended up partnered with him, which I thought was a blessing in disguise, as the guy could not dance to save his life, so I ended up teaching him. We were, however, supposed to be changing partners, which another guy pointed out, so that happened and the new guy told me off for leading, which frustrated me because it was a swing and he was dancing it at the pace of a waltz! GRRR, UGH!

From dancing we went back to the tables, and thus the original guy. He confessed that he had become a Christian when he was 21 and dancing was forbidden, so he hadn’t danced since then. The church had also forbidden him to choose his bride, they chose her for him and he wasn’t allowed to court her, so he spent time in “fervent prayer”, and, after that, he married her. Surprise, surprise the marriage ended in divorce… but get this… he said that he believed if he had have courted her, then maybe they would not have wed, but at the same time he believes his ‘fervent prayer’ and Bible clarifications had shown him that he was making the right decision. Thus, he feels that the Devil was in the words that were fed to him and his marriage didn’t work because of her lying. He didn’t believe his ex-wife was ever a Christian and thus he was a victim in the whole thing and he was angry because she made him divorce her, which now puts a “blemish” on his “perfect” Christian record! But he is ok with it all now, he has accepted it.

Oh my greatness! BAM – in my humble-met-this-guy-once-opinion – I got it. I got why he was still single. I got why she couldn’t be with him. I got why he was probably often depressed and was using God as a crutch. “Victim” “victim” “victim” replayed in my mind… Seriously, he is a grown man! He is supposed to be responsible for himself, he should be as much to blame as anyone else that his marriage failed. How on earth can any woman live with a man who is expecting to be treated as ‘perfect’, we live in a fallen world, there is no such thing as a ‘perfect’ human being? How can a grown man, who made the choice to sign the papers, made the choice to leave, made the choice not to give his wife freedom to make her own choices and believe what she needed to believe, made his own choice not to court her, made his own choice to let others decide his destiny, claim “I’m a victim” – and I’m not embellishing here – the words “I was a victim” literally came out of this guy’s mouth. Like he was expecting God to live his life and his wife’s for them. Expecting God to “act” and “make” their marriage work. Expecting that “God” would intervene and “make” them find each other and they had to do no work…

They went to counseling he said and that should have made things work, but it didn’t… She went to counseling, that is a BIG DEAL, that is an affirmative: ‘I’m in this to make this work’… no, this guy didn’t see it like that – he saw himself as a ‘victim’, that he was the only one who was “Christian”, that he was the only one … BAM – if you are thinking “ONLY ONE” and you are married – BAM – that’s the thought that will make you become “ONLY ONE”, why? Because that is what you have thought, put out into the Universe, ‘prayed’ in your unconscious… and God grants us what we ask for… marriage is: “We”, “Us”, “Together”… NOT: “Me” “I” let’s sit in our corner alone and know we are ‘victims’…

I went home angry. Angry that people are allowed to wallow in this ‘victim’ nonsense. No-one is a ‘victim’ if what has happened has been created by their own choices, their own actions. They are experiencing their own: CONSEQUENCES. I couldn’t have a man around who was permanently reminding me that I’m not perfect {not saying this was the case for this guy, it was just an impression I got}, that I’m not … not… not… that will kill anyone, everyone… I think what got me the most may have been that: Here was a man who was a missionary, going out to people, spreading God’s word and I’m wondering if he’s read it? God tells us we are not victims, that we are sufferers for HIS Glory, that we have to live through HARDSHIPS to become more like Jesus, more empathetic with others, to become weak so God can be our strength. We, as Christians, do not suffer because we are ‘victims’, we suffer because it is a way to learn about being human, a way to experience things that those who need to be saved will hear from someone who has been where they are, knows the hell of divorce, of abuse, of neglect, of pain and whatever else we journey through. Whatever circumstances of suffering come our way, which they have to on this broken planet, Christians know it is being lived through for the Glory of God. The choice as a Christian is to see the positive, see the learning curve, acknowledge God’s strength and power to get us through it and then use it to uplift others… it is NOT to go around saying: “That woman has blemished my perfect Christian record!”

Oh my word! What crossed my mind: What is this guy sharing in his ministry? That God wants you to be perfect? That God wants you to ‘be good’? That evil makes you a ‘victim’, so you don’t have to take responsibility, because it’s ‘the Devil’s fault’; it’s ‘the ex’s fault’, it’s ‘the church’s fault’? What crap!

Nothing we CAN DO can make God love us more; NOTHING WE CAN DO can make God love us less. Here I was thinking that Christianity had evolved to understand that it is has nothing to do with us, and everything to do with God’s Grace. Here I was believing that those out their sharing God’s love, understood what LOVE is – kindness, compassion, forgiveness, patience, generosity UNCONDITIONALLY… not you have the option of: “victim”…

To take or not to take: anti-depressants?

This has been on my mind a lot lately. Numerous people are on these drugs, and my General Practitioner has decided that the low neutraphils in blood (as they have been for 3 years, usually the result of a bad viral infection, which I have had) and the high liver enzymes (only a “mild vital illness” she tells me) have nothing to do with my body being unwell and everything to do with my mind being unwell.

How this connection has been made when I have seen her 3 times in 3 years is BEYOND me. I have shown the GP’s emails (blood test results and recommendations of how to proceed) to a couple of friends and colleagues and ALL of them have told me I need to see another General Practitioner and that the psychologist ‘prescription’ (the GP literally gave me a prescription with the psychologist’s details on) makes no sense in relation to the blood tests. Fair enough. I have a stranger telling me that I have to add chemicals to my brain and make it change, and a few people who know me well telling me that her prescription is illogical.
So who should we trust? ‘Trained’ practitioners or our friends?

I guess it doesn’t really matter which, I could choose either path, but the thing that has knocked me is: The Seed of Doubt. This has been horrendous to deal with and has made me incredibly angry with the ‘doctor’. I told her in the appointment to deal with the fluid (literally) in my ears and the cold and a horrifically itchy rash, that I had already been to see people to ‘investigate’ my brain and they said I was ok. At 16: Psychologist One, to whom my mother sent me to ‘be checked on’, saw my parents as well as myself, and decided I was the ‘most normal one in the family’.

At 31: my mother once again sent me to a counsellor ‘to be fixed’, and the guy told me to stop thinking I was Jesus, go out and be naughty and then use Grace to get back into God’s good books, because that is what Grace is for, as he laughed like a hyena between sentences… The book I was reading at the time was: “What’s So Amazing About Grace”, which had Philip Yancey writing about if he fell in love with a German lady, he would learn the language very quickly and be completely passionate about her and live life loving her. The Grace ‘language’ is not there for abuse, upon marrying her you don’t say on your honeymoon night “Ok my love” (in German, if you’ve learnt it by then 😉 ) “This has been great, but I’m just going to go out and sleep with some other women now, and when I get back you have to forgive me and give me Grace” … this was literally what the ‘counsellor’ was suggesting I do. I passed a photocopy on to the ‘counsellor’ and his only comment at the end of my second and last session with him was, randomly, “That Philip Yancey is a good writer.” Amen! That ‘counsellor’ told me to take a mild sleeping tablet in the evening if I needed to, and/or a calming tablet in the day to help with my anxiety, post-traumatic stress and depression.

At 33: The third psychologist, also connected to my mother, told me I dress like a spinster, and I’m really fine because it’s not like I’m a drunkard or mass murderer or anything. He told his very personal tale about his abusive parents and that he’d had a very difficult childhood. Yet, why is a professional confessing their story to me? Same happened with the homeopath I went to by a suggestion of a massage specialist. The homeopath said there’s nothing wrong with me, not even the gluten-intolerance that I’ve only recently managed to deal with (read “Eish! London” for that story), nor the dairy-intolerance that can still knock me into sinus hell with a teaspoon. Turns out her childhood was worse than Psychologist Three’s, and I got her whole story too, she reckons I’m fine and I must move on and stop hating myself.

Body Talk Therapy, I tried that too, at the advice of a friend who said that the woman had helped her daughter. With nothing to lose and an interest in the process and what people are getting up to, I went along. First session was insightful, second worrying and by the third I passed her my diaries and high-tailed it out of there. No colour on her walls, she was an ex-banker, she continually spoke of ‘other professionals’ and their brilliance, at no point did she uplift herself or show me that she was confident in her own abilities. Her mind was full of other people’s words and experiences, nothing of her… she also told me I hate myself and I need to start loving myself…

So that’s 5 ‘professionals’ and 3 of them (I wasn’t paying attention to the first one) had HECTIC personal journeys and issues that they kept showing me they ‘hadn’t’ recovered from, forgotten or forgiven, even if they ‘told’ me they had. They showed me that they were overflowing with insecurities. How could I assume this? Because I had completed “The Artist’s Way” and spent a few months being up front with my insecurities, seeing where my anger and stress sources were and dealing with my self-hate. Yes, that had all been there, but by the time I got to them I was aware of it and working through it, and way more confident in myself than ever before… yet BAM: “Seed of Doubt”… The second ‘counsellor’ with his “go get drunk and shag guys” approach as he laughed like a hyena about everything, just doesn’t count.

“Seed of Doubt”. This world around us just fills us all with Doubt. The General Practitioner (the second one to tell me to take anti-depressants) had originally told me she was Christian and she prayed with me and told me to keep my faith and pray through it, all prayers are answered. From that she moved to it’s been a few years now, go take anti-depressants…

I sit back and ask: Where is the line between faith that God knit me in the womb, He has a plan for me and I must live that plan, no matter how challenging, on faith and trust in HIM and that HE will heal me… and God now wants me to trust man and take drugs so that may or may not be targeting the right chemical set-up in my brain as directed by human guess-work? When do I stop trusting that God gives me the strength to cope with anything, and say: “Ok God, Your strength must be in man-made chemicals now.”? It’s easy to argue that. God made man with brains to make chemicals to ‘fix’ us… but isn’t that then saying that God made us incorrectly in the first place? Would God make a plan where He created us in a way where chemicals were needed because He “didn’t get the brain waves quite right”? Or the ‘devil’ has so much control that we need chemicals to undo what the ‘devil’ has done?

I have journaled and prayed over this… and what has resulted is this (NB – This ONLY refers to me and IS NOT written as an ‘answer’ for anyone else): People want you to join them, because they take the drugs and they don’t want to be alone in their dependency. The more people taking them, the more it can rationalise that they/drugs are “ok”, when their Souls know that it is not “ok”. Their Souls know that the anti-depressants are merely blocking out their Truth and their Strength, for they do not believe in their strength, or Mine. What one believes becomes one’s mental truth, but it cannot be the Soul-Truth, because the Soul’s Truth is that you are all loved beyond comprehension, you are all stronger than you could ever know and that you are all connected through the beautiful energy of humanity. Yet this energy entails responsibility to love, to give, to forgive, to be honest, to be open, to share, to be quiet, to feed the Soul on good things and show kindness, tolerance and live peacefully.

Sadly, this is a broken world, and in this broken world people have decided to be led by their Ego’s and their bodily desires to ‘be healthy’, without knowing what ‘healthy’ is. To “be happy” without knowing what “happy” is. To be “normal”, without knowing what “normal” is. To “love”, without knowing what “love” is… In not knowing that old Chinese Truth of Yin and Yang, the Ego wants only ‘the good’ and it will fight with chemicals, drugs, distractions and everything else to extinguish ‘the bad’, yet this is not ‘natural’ or ‘normal’, even if media and other lost ‘powers’ and people portray it as such.

It is not ‘right’ to have ‘dark without light’, it is not ‘normal’ to have ‘birth without death’. You can’t have hope, if you have had no tragedy, you can’t know ‘strength’ if you have not known ‘weakness’. You cannot know ‘happy’ if you have not known ‘sad’. People of the world have not been educated or advised to know this Truth of the Yin and the Yang, they do not accept that the intensity of their experiences on earth will be matched on both levels of the spectrum of “Life”, and not only on one side. To only experience “one” “Happy” side of life is imbalanced.

The chemicals placed in the brain will switch off the life experiences, will dull the passion for living, will ‘calm’ you to a point where the intensity of your experience of life will be limited in both the glory and the depression. The two must be together, until the Soul reaches the point where it knows and has lived through it all and thus realises that it has all only been experience. At the end of each and every experience you were still again and knew that GOD WAS THERE. Live it all, and then be still and know…

Anti-depressants take away the roller-coaster emotions and experiences and make them easy kiddie’s-train experiences. This is the gift of choice at work. You may choose the raging river and waterfalls, or the paddling pool as your place to be. Ideally, you should experience both the rapids and the paddling pool, but you should not stop or stay at one point. Taking the anti-depressants is an option, and so is not taking them. It is your choice as to what you believe in and what you want to experience. BUT, if you choose Me, God, Love, Knowing and PEACE in My presence every day, then you do not need any chemicals, for I have an INCREDIBLE PLAN for you, I did knit you in your mother’s womb, I created you for this time, with the skills you need, connected to the people to see you through, with the experiences you need, with My Love and Grace in bountiful measures. Choose Me, and you choose LIFE. Choose Me and you choose STRENGTH. Choose Me and you choose LOVE. Choose Me and you choose HOPE.

Choose man, choose chemicals, choose to use and follow what is offered by a broken world, full of broken people who have not chosen Me, and you too will have to be broken and hurting and lost. This is no grand thought, or difficult equation, it is the most logical outcome and consequence possible.
Choose God and Love and you choose LIFE and LOVE. Choose the world and you choose broken and hurting.
It all depends on your questions: how you phrase them and how answer them… Is ‘easier’ what you want on your gravestone?
Is a deadened mind what you want? Is a faithless life what you want? Is a drugged up Soul what you want? Is ruling by your body what you want? Is trust in a broken world what you want to choose?
It’s freedom of choice. It’s up to you… but, really, think about it… really think about it… before you decide.

PART ONE: Death thoughts

I’m going to be honest here, after all, isn’t that what blogging’s about? Not that I’m ever ‘deceitful’, it’s just that one chooses the topics one blogs about and edits the blog so as to ensure that one does not look like a completely self-absorbed, arrogant, rude, pretentious ass. . . Well, some of us anyway.

A taboo topic though – Death, linked with a predominant topic – Love, those are what were in my space as I woke up this morning; part of the head-space of having to talk myself out of hell. Not a nice space to wake up in, but hey, it happens. Fortunately, even though this morning offered thoughts on Death, I most often wake up with Love Songs and Christian Praise Songs in my head and then have to try and work around those too as they feel so ‘unreal’ and ‘fake’ in my current circumstances. I guess I’m just one of those characters who can’t be pleases or helped. And the worst part of it is, clearly, as I’m typing about it now: I’m aware of it! Most bizarre really, most bizarre. I doubt there are many people out there who would post a public blog to say that they don’t understand themselves, they don’t get why they are so dissatisfied and they don’t know what they are missing exactly or what they are supposed to do about it, but then, I’m not ‘everyone’, I’m just me and this is my story… I can only type it as it is.

I digress, however, as per usual, so back to the opening: Death. I woke up with the question: “Lord / Death / God {take your pick}, it feels like you are slowly killing me, so why don’t you just hurry up and get the job done?” Please note: This is in no way a step towards suicide, because I’ve chosen the whole approach of “Christianity” as my life-ethos and practice. I think maybe if I’d chose Islam or Atheism or Satanism or whatever else is out there, then suicide would be an option… a pity about my choice in this circumstance, but that’s just the way happened for me. So, because God created me in and before my entrance into my Mother’s womb in a cosmic form of Love like no other, I now have to wait for “Him” to decide when my part in “His Story” {history} is complete, and for “Him” to decide that I’ve played the role as “He” is happy with so that “He” can send me off from this life. I don’t believe in Hell {as per previous blogs}, due to the rationalisation that Love / God wouldn’t create me flawed and then tell me it was my fault and therefore illogically impose an eternity of suffering on me… which has made me think that earth is hell, separation from God, health, peace etc… but that’s another blog. Due to this reasoning I’m not for suicide as it doesn’t serve my faith-path. Yes, I could change my faith-path, but then I’d be stepping out of the incredible knowing that despite all the lunacy of this world, and my annoying Self, I am loved and I have received Grace. {Another blog too, but Grace is the factor of Christianity that sets it up as THE Choice when it comes to following a faith-path, if you want to be loved without having to be punished more than you’ve already punished yourself by not living in Love.} Still, all of this leaves suicide out of the question and leaves me at the mercy of the Universe / God / Satan / my own choices and consequences; I still haven’t figured out which one is really behind it all, or if they each have shares in mucking up my life. Maybe it’s 33% to God, 30 to the Universe, and Satan and my mind share the remaining 37%. Who knows? Not me, that’s for sure. Yet, here I am: TIRED.

I’m not typing about, “after a night out” or “a hard day’s work” or “new-born baby” tired, I’m typing about chronic fatigue tired – no evident reason at all, other than ‘viruses’ in my body (the GP said my bloods had too many in there to figure out which). Viruses – an infestation inside your body that you can’t treat, you can’t medicate and you can’t do anything to help. Viruses are their own boss and will do what they want, how they want to, irrespective of their host’s needs {Hmm, I’m thinking “The Matrix” and the virus of humanity on planet earth here…}. I’ve got 9, apparently, in my system so that’s one big fight between too many ‘bosses’ and no healthy workers in my bloodstream. Freaking SUCKS!

So I wake up in the state of my body being one with the mattress and bedding, knowing I must get on with the day or my natural depressive gene will kick in and I could find myself in tears before 7am. The thoughts of Death could evolve and turn into the frustration and anger that I’m stuck here with chronic fatigue, viruses and depression. As the Biblical King David did at the depression of the death of his son, he got up, washed, dressed and ate.

So, I know I need to do that too, but then my thoughts go to ‘eat’. ‘Eat’ what? I’ve now been off all sugar for 8 days as the homeopath told me that I most certainly have rampant Candida… {anyone who has read “Eish! London” will know of my battles with this already over the years}… so ‘eat,’ but no sugar, no wheat, no gluten, no dairy. No pancakes, no muffins, no toast, just the repetitive option of oats (I work through the occasional nausea, the gluten seems manageable there) and eggs… and I’d have to be careful in the preparation of any food in order that I don’t aggravate the eczema that has found my thumb. . . I also know I have to get up and take the acid clear otherwise my legs will be in pain again (my dancing stolen from me in Aug 2012), and I have to take the probiotics for the Candida and gut illness, and the Vitamin B for the stress and depression… Why Lord, I think, why should I get up? Why am I continuing to live through this? Death, why so long and slow? Why not just arrive in one bam – “Here I am!”?

How does Death answer? He sends the images back to my mind from photographer James Nachtwey, namely the “famine” photo http://www.jamesnachtwey.com/ … He reminds me that if that famine victim who has no flesh on his body can keep crawling, then I have no excuse not to keep going too.

http://www.ted.com/speakers/james_nachtwey

Death always has such good arguments.

PART 2: The trouble with Christianity is… There’s too much suffering in the world…

Am I really a Christian? Fighting my battle with myself Part 2
The trouble with Christianity is… There’s too much suffering in the world…

NB NB NB – I have NO qualification whatsoever to write this piece, it is pure commentary and opinion.

Ok, in all honesty, I missed this talk. As I typed two blogs ago – my nephew was in hospital. I have no idea what Tim something-or-other’s take is on this one, nor the guy presenting the series of talks, but I have my own ideas on the matter…

NUMBER ONE: Of course there’s too much suffering in the world, it’s full of HUMANS!

This point is so obvious to me it’s not even something that should have to be typed about. Relating this to God, I’m putting my head on a block and typing: it isn’t God allowing suffering, it’s humans choosing suffering. I had this image appear in my mind whilst I was thinking about this. God and Adam and Eve in this big garden and it’s too perfect and too boring and nothing is being accomplished, there is really no point to the whole deal of sitting around and being perfect. So everyone wanted something to happen to stop them from going INSANE in the perfect-ness, so they fabricated this story about ‘evil’ entering and pushing them out of the garden so it wouldn’t look like they were ungrateful for all this perfection when generations read about it later on. What actually happened was the beings present decided to enter into a game of HIDE AND SEEK. God went off to hide, and being in and of everything He was everywhere, thus it was a bit of an easy game. So they put a blindfold onto the seekers, pushed them out of the garden and threw in some challenges to make the game more interesting. Now the purpose was for the seekers to remember to take off their blindfolds, remember that they were part of a game and had to conquer the challenges whilst along the way they had to find and collect little treasures until they reached the end of all their challenges and had a HUGE party with the ULTIMATE treasure, the ULTIMATE FIND, God the Father, Maker of Heaven and Earth, Unconditional Love 🙂

Once the souls had found Him, they could chose to come back to earth and repeat the game facing different challenges, or come back as an angel to help others on their treasure hunt and getting rid of their blindfold, or they could just stay in heaven as a perfect soul hanging out with God until they got bored again.

It was odd that I was sitting down to type out all about man not taking God’s advice and not choosing Love, hence all the suffering, and bam that little story appeared about the game, the hide and seek treasure hunt of life arose from nowhere. I like it though, I think it’s a cool image and I’m loving the fact that the prize is SO INCREDIBLE and that we can get bits of it along the way. NICE!

Ugh, it’s a bit difficult to go back to the boring old: Too much suffering story now… sigh… oh well, here goes.
HUMANS CREATE SUFFERING.
1) They don’t follow God’s advice and LOVE above all else. Instead they choose to murder – that creates suffering for the murderer and the victim’s family. They choose adultery – results in suffering for individuals, families and friends. They choose to lie – hectic suffering when someone lies so you don’t know what’s really going on, hence you can’t fix the problem and you have to suffer with it, knowing that you should and could be doing something to heal and fix, but you can’t because all you have are lies. Worshipping idols other than God/ Love – such as: money / work / humans, all faulty faulty faulty. They come and go, they win and lose, they are inconsistent, unreliable and hurt-inducing. Worship all that and guess what? You’re gonna suffer.

This is not rocket science in my opinion. Disrespect your parents – a generational curse indeed, your great great great grandparent / or someone along the way decided to cause hell (separation from love) in the family which caused anger and pain and hurt and that got passed down to the next generation, and the next, and the next, and the next, and surprise, surprise (sarcasm!) no forgiveness, only hurt and pain and SUFFERING, caused by HUMANS, NOT God.

God put us on earth and said “Go for it, choose me, find me, live in love… or don’t, but if you don’t it’s gonna hurt, I’m just warning you on that one.” And guess what, many humans haven’t chosen love, faith, hope, joy, forgiveness, kindness and all the other “God” traits… instead they have chosen selfishness, hate, anger, war, raping each other, raping their earth, killing each other, stealing, keeping, breaking, pornography, drugs, alcohol, hurting each other and physical, psychological and emotional manipulation and reduction of each other. Humans have chosen to desire power, control and self-worship. Humans have chosen the opposite of God in every respect and then turn around and ask: “Why is there suffering?” Then have the audacity to say it’s “God’s Fault”, what crap!

Stop being a bunch of morons! HELP each other, LOVE each other, ACCEPT each other, TALK to each other, LISTEN to each other, HOLD each other, and SERVE each other without ulterior motives, without desire for personal gain and without malicious intent, but, instead with and in LOVE, FAITH, JOY and HOPE.

DO NOT blame God for the suffering on this planet, blame yourself. As long as we are living separately, judging others, criticising others, holding grudges, wanting to “be better than” and/or “more powerful than” and/or “richer than” and and and … then we have to suffer, because at the end of the day we are focusing on the temporal and the temporal means exactly that – unreliable, inconstant and unbalanced, which equals suffering. Ask anyone who has suffered a recession, job loss, divorce, crime, starvation, illness, fatigue etc etc etc, what the cause was, and I’m pretty sure it was all something they couldn’t control… control is an illusion, having power is an illusion, and when you base your life on illusions, you have to suffer, that’s the choice you make. NOT God’s choice, YOUR choice.

I’m guessing some people will be up in arms, “but it’s others not me!” Ok, I get that, but what are you productively doing about that? Chasing more money, more insurance, more stress and worry, or are you creating a rehab centre, a school, a charity, gathering people to work together? How about feeding the homeless, I’ll bet you have at least 364 friends on Facebook or 500 plus ‘connections’ on LinkedIn, if each one of ‘your group’ took ONE NIGHT A YEAR, to make soup and buy bread, then dozens of homeless people would have a meal every night. “But I have children!” TAKE THEM WITH YOU, TEACH THEM, SHOW THEM. “But the security!” Go to your local police station and ask them to help you by carrying the food in their vans each night. “But the expense!” Save a R2.00 (1 Pound) coin each night and then you’ll have 364×2 = R728! (364 Pounds) To spend on the food, electricity and petrol needed…See? Still your choice… God does not create suffering, we do.

Am I really a Christian? Second time round: Cross, no. I create suffering too.